Today Calvin would be 8 months old. I think about all the things he would be doing and how I would post a picture of him with the little tie showing month 8 that my brother and sister-in-law got for me.
This past Saturday I was in one of my best friend's weddings and it was the most perfect day. She made the most beautiful bride and I'm so happy for her and her new husband! Now here I am sick with the flu and home from work after an amazing weekend celebrating a best friend. If i'm going to lay on the couch all day at least I can write. I have been to a lot of weddings since having Calvin and the most emotional part for me is when the pastor talks about how you will have to love each other through the good and bad, the fun times, and the hard times, the happy moments and moments of sorrow. When I stood next to my husband on my wedding day and repeated those words, I never knew just how true that was. My life was pretty perfect and I was marrying my best friend. What could possibly be THAT bad? I knew there would be disagreements or road bumps in marriage but no one is ever prepared for losing a child. You never think about it, and you shouldn't have to. When we did lose Calvin, James and I clung to each other like we never had before. It was survival. I remember just a day after in the hospital we are trying to make sense of it all and talking about how we are going to use this next year to spend as much time together as we can. That God is giving us some extra time together and we should make the most of it and continue making our marriage the best it's ever been (of course, if I had the option to trade that extra time for Calvin I would in a heartbeat). It hasn't been easy. Our marriage is great because we have been able to spend so much time together and lean on each other, but trying to be content with life is really hard. It's hard not to wish away the days just so I can be pregnant again. Even then knowing that it won't take away the pain I have. Hoping it will help? It's like a roller coaster, I had been doing better I would say 3 or so months after, and then all of the sudden at 6 months I swear it was worse than the first 2 days in the hospital. Reality hits you hard and literally knocks the wind out of you. Reality that you will never know what Calvin would have been like here on Earth. Would he have his dads smile? Would he play sports? Would he be as kind hearted and hard working as his dad? Would he be a cuddle bug with me? It's the frustration that everyone around you has beautiful children and their world is centered around them. I want my world to be centered around my child! My world is centered around Calvin, it's just in a different way then most. I know I am not alone in these thoughts and there are so many others out there in my situation. I pray for you all. I pray that one day I will get to have children here on Earth but that I also give the time and attention to Calvin that he deserves. That is why I am so excited about Bibles for Babies. Hopefully this mission goes on forever and touches so many lives. That Calvin's name is out there in the world and is alive in my heart until the day I die and am reunited with him.
Every time I have these thoughts I always get brought back to God's promise. Yes, I get irritated about how he should be here but I quickly go back to God's plan. I KNOW I get to see him again in heaven. Do you know how many people don't know that? It makes me sick to my stomach for them. I also thank God that he chose US to live out this mission for Calvin and to touch the lives of babies and their mommies by bringing God's word to every home. Since day 1 we have been praying together for God's peace and healing for us. I have recently started thanking God for Calvin. This was actually a huge step for me, why would I thank God for a child that he didn't allow me to have? He did though, Calvin has changed me as a person drastically. Calvin has taught me what is truly important in life, I always knew what was important but didn't give it the attention like I do now. I have always been a believer and follower in Christ but I am ashamed by how I never proclaimed God's love to people. I would have NEVER started a blog and told the world the truth about God. I always cared about what people thought of me and didn't want to be judged. Calvin has changed that for the better. I now don't care what people think because I want the world to know the truth about our Savior. When I see His face for the first time, I want to be able to say "yes, God" I lived my life trying to bring people closer to you. Calvin has given me this strange confidence that I never thought I would have. I am finally living out what I always knew I should be a part of- advancing the kingdom of God.
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"
-1 Peter 3:15
I will never be able to put into words how blessed I am to have James as my husband. He would pray for me, make sure I was eating, and took care of everything during my time of healing from the C section. He let me cry and go on and on about Calvin for months straight, listening to the same words and being sympathetic. Not that he never has his moments of grieving but men handle their emotions totally different. I think women in my situation are quick to get angry at their husbands for not being "upset" about what has happened. It's not that they aren't "upset" they just express their emotions differently. I know when James is sad because he stays quiet and doesn't say anything at all. I can't speak for every man but instead of talking about it all of the time, James kept himself busy by doing projects around the house. He was off of work with me for 3 and a half weeks and he reorganized our whole basement and built shelving to put all of our tubs on. He also helped my dad lay carpet in our mud room. He had to keep busy in order to help handle is emotions. I, on the other hand would read books, just sit and pray, and enjoy having visitors to talk to. If any of you came to visit me you saw that I wanted to talk about Calvin. James was usually not in the room because he didn't want to relive those details and talk about the same thing over and over. It was draining for him and at one point he told me "I have no emotions left." He had never dealt with this much grief in his life and after being sad for so long he literally ran out of emotions. As women, I swear we have enough emotions to last a lifetime...
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Just my thoughts for today, now I should take a nap to try and get better. Love to you all.