Calvin's Tree

I can't believe it took me this long to share this story with you but I have been pretty busy with a new baby! Our baby girl is 3 months old...it's already flying by! I want to share with you how Calvin welcomed his new baby sister.

Back in the spring after Calvin was born, my parents planted a tree for him in the middle of their field at the house I grew up in. It's called a Happy Days Sweetgum tree. The name just makes me happy! Right now it's kind of small but I can't wait to see it grow over the years. I enjoy looking at it every time I pull into their drive way and watching it change with the seasons.

In the early summer, before Morley was born, my mom, James, and my grandma planted flowers around the base of his tree. I was surprised that they weren't blooming as the weeks went by but didn't really give it much thought, and what do I know about plants? Not much. Fast forward to July 1st, Morley Rae was born and it was the best day of our lives! This is off topic, but many people have been asking me how we chose the name. Morley is from a movie I saw back during my sophomore year of college called "Valentine's Day" and is also after my maiden name "More." Rae was picked because my husband, James, really liked the name "Ray" and I always said how this baby girl was such a ray of light during our time of grief. We decided to make it a little girly and went with the different spelling.

Back to my story...Our parents were at the hospital with us all day and didn't go home until late that night. The next day (July 2nd) my mom was walking across the field and when she passed Calvin's tree she was in awe. There it stood with a "Rae" of light shining through and ONE pink bloomed flower! None of the other flowers were even close to blooming. I get chills every time I think about it.  Thankfully she got pictures because you just can't make this stuff up. We know that it was Calvin's way of saying "Welcome, baby sister!" It made my heart so happy to know she was acknowledged. God is so real. I wish people focused more on Him. These things happen right in front of our eyes, we just have to look! God was with us when Calvin was born, and God was with us when Morley was born. He allowed my mom to see this for a reason. He knows how important it is for me to keep Calvin close to my heart until I'm reunited with him. The Lord has restored our hearts with this precious girl and she is blessed to be able to call Calvin her brother.

oh, and then a butterfly just flew and landed on the tree :)

3 months old- seeing her brothers tree for the first time!

Grandma :)

Baby Girl

I've been thinking about blogging quite a bit as a I near my due date with baby girl. We have been so busy preparing for her arrival but I wanted to share with you some thoughts and emotions as we continue through this journey of pregnancy after loss.

On Saturday I will be 37 weeks pregnant and will most likely be delivering at 39 weeks if she hasn't come already! At our last ultrasound she was measuring average size and healthy in every way. About 2 weeks left, we are so ready! I say "ready" as in "I'm ready to have her here," but I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all nervous. Through this whole journey we have put our trust and faith in God. That He would restore our hearts. Everyday I pray that this is the child that will get to be here with us on Earth. Selfishly, I pray that prayer knowing that Calvin gets the best life of us all. As someone who has a strong faith in the Lord, I'm also not naive to how powerful He is. Yes, I believe and have hope that God is going to bless us with this little girl, but I also believe that He already has a plan and I don't know what that is. I prayed every day for Calvin as well and fully trusted that he would be here with me, but God had a bigger plan for him. Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." It's hard to accept that God's plan is much more important than our own desires, but I had to learn that at a young age. As sinners we aren't deserving of anything, God doesn't owe me anything. He has already promised me an everlasting life in eternity with Him.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I have made my requests known to God and he knows my heart. He has also given me peace and comfort through this pregnancy so that I am able to enjoy every moment carrying our little girl. It's difficult to not be anxious as I near my delivery day. For me this will be monumental for obvious reasons and I know that it will be very emotional for James and I, and our families. I know that many of you have been praying for us and we truly appreciate it. I'm asking that you pray for health and a safe birth no matter when or how she decides to come!

So, to say we are excited is an understatement, but a little anxious as well. As Father's Day was Sunday I was thinking about how amazing of a dad James will be and already is to our two babies. He has been right by my side holding my hand and being brave with me. Oh how I pray our children get his selflessness, sweetness, hardworking, strong, and loving traits that he acquires!

I also have to thank everyone for the prayers and kind comments that I have received throughout this pregnancy, they keep me going. Also, to my amazing coworkers and friends who threw me a baby "sprinkle" and other's who have showered little miss with gifts and love. It doesn't go unnoticed and we are so very grateful for you.

Love,
Jordan

Calvin's Love update:
This past Thursday my mom got to speak at a Vacation Bible School to Pre-K through 6th grade kiddos about the Bibles for Babies ministry, and trusting and loving God even on your "bad" days. I love when my mom gets the opportunity to spread Calvin's Love and God's Word!! We have given out over 1,500 bibles! If you have or know of an organization or church who would like to partner with us and keep this ministry going please contact us and/or visit our website calvinslove.com

 This was taken at 26 weeks with our little love. I have been trying to share more of this pregnancy as I know not to take a minute of it for granted.

 My perfect little girl at 32 weeks :)

I was so grateful to be showered with girly things for baby!

Pregnant with a best friend due only 1 day apart! I'm also pregnant with another best friend and sister-in-law, and we are all having girls! It's been a joy to be able to talk and relate with these girls throughout this pregnancy. 

We went to our family's lake house for our "babymoon!"

35 weeks pregnant

At a friend's wedding, 36 weeks pregnant!

I can't get over how much I look like I swallowed a basketball. We are so close!

February. Calvin's Birthday Month.

Well, February is here. I can feel my emotions becoming stronger and stronger as it gets closer to Calvin's first birthday, February 24th. I can't believe a year as came and gone. How have I gotten through a year of life without him? It's been rough, but I have had a lot of help. I remember sitting in the exact spot I am right now in the first month of Calvin being gone and just thinking to myself "I can't wait till more time goes by and this gets easier." As I sit here today I am able to say, it did get easier. Though, not as much as I would have hoped. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I wouldn't want to not think about him though. But, I also relive the day of his birth over and over and over again more times than I could ever count. I don't know that I will ever stop doing that, or will ever stop asking "How? Why?" Like every other mom who has lost a baby, you have some sort of guilt. "Was it something I did? What should I have done differently? I should have said something!" I don't experience this guilt anymore because I know deep down it wasn't anything I did. Of course you still go through everything in your head and manage to be upset with yourself for something you had no idea was even happening. Stewing over what happened and asking these questions doesn't change what happened. I know this. I just can't help it sometimes. Every morning I listen to worship music while I get ready, it's my time with God. At least once a week a song gets to me and I break down and cry (usually right after I put my make-up on- perfect timing). I think that's okay though. I need those moments with God, and I do still hurt. It's always the songs about praising God in the storm and needing Him. Boy have I ever. I am so blessed to have this ministry "Calvin's Love" that I know will keep Calvin in everyone's life forever and that he will never be forgotten. The fact that he is changing so many lives is also amazing. We are holding a big event for his birthday celebrating him and our ministry but I have been thinking about what else I want to do that day to honor his birthday. Some people release balloons, or write a letter. I'd love to hear anyone's ideas. Maybe a tradition to start?

Celebrating Calvin's Love
Many of you have already seen that we are holding a big fundraising event for Bibles for Babies called "Celebrating Calvin's Love." This is on Calvin's actual first birthday where we will be celebrating him and our new ministry. If you haven't heard of this you can learn more on our website at www.calvinslove.com I would like everyone to know that we have given away over 500 children's bibles to families so far!! We have given them away to clothing banks, pregnancy centers, churches, health departments and are working on preschools, hospitals, and more. I just get chills thinking about the single struggling moms who are going to these places just to get diapers or formula for their babies and are handed a free children's bible. Something they maybe have never had or would ever buy for their child. Calvin is changing lives! Many friends who have gotten a bible for their own babies/toddlers have told me how much their child LOVES the Bible. It warms my heart to know they actually enjoy reading it and looking at the pictures instead of an ordinary bible that just sits in their drawer. My wish for his birthday is to raise enough money to give away 500 more! If you would like to help me reach my goal you may donate or buy tickets by going to the website above.

This Pregnancy
I am exactly 17 weeks today and feeling good. I am so thankful for everyone's prayers of peace with this pregnancy because it is working! I won't say I don't ever get worried or have moments of doubt but I have really been able to enjoy most of this pregnancy. Whenever I start thinking "what if" I quickly stop myself before I get worked up. I have felt the prayers calm me and allow me to be excited for this baby. James and I are so excited, but we both agree it is going super slow! July needs to get here so I can hold this peanut. I am believing that God is going to allow us to have this child here with us on Earth. I pray it everyday, and I believe it everyday. I imagine the birth of this baby a lot. I mostly picture myself holding this child against my chest after birth and just crying and crying. Crying because I'll be so over-joyed but also because I'll be so overcome with the emotions of what I missed with Calvin. It is going to be one emotional day.

One thing is for sure, I popped out way more quickly with this pregnancy. Everyone says you show sooner with your second and that is a definite. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Calvin until I was 12 weeks and didn't even begin to show till I was 14. I swear I popped out around 8 weeks with this one. I was wearing flowy shirts to work everyday and decided I needed to tell at 10 weeks because I was running out of loose clothes! I had told my first graders shortly after and I said "you'll see my belly get bigger and bigger" and one student shouted "Yeah I already have!" Children are priceless. I also was a lot more nauseous with this pregnancy than with Calvin. With Calvin I was only nauseous for maybe 4 weeks in the evenings. With this one I was nauseous from week 5-week 13 and then randomly would get spurts of it. I'm happy to say I haven't had any nausea the past couple weeks! However, I was so thankful to feel that nausea every day knowing it was my little babe forming healthy inside me. I was also extra exhausted by the end of the day with this pregnancy but I know that it is because I had been working all day. With Calvin, my first trimester was in the summer when I was off from school so I was able to sleep and relax whenever. I haven't felt baby move yet but didn't with Calvin till 21 weeks. They say you feel it sooner with your second because you now know the feeling. I'm hoping to soon! We are so excited to find out if baby is a Mr. or Miss on Valentine's Day at our 18 week anatomy ultrasound. So far baby is as healthy as can be :)

As excited as I am to find out the gender, I'm nervous too. We haven't changed/moved a thing in the nursery since it was set up for Calvin. It's even hard to call it "the nursery" and not "Calvin's room." I have been in there, sometimes to read or pray in the glider chair. I was in there the other day looking at his clothes in the closet and that's when it hit me. If we have a girl, I am going to have to take all of this out and that made me sick to my stomach to think about. I don't want to change a thing. Even if we have a boy, will I want him to have all of the same stuff? Calvin didn't use any of it so why would it matter? Will it make me upset? Should I give this boy his own theme? Either boy or girl, it is going to be difficult to go into the nursery and go through the items. I really am dreading that day because I know it will be very emotional. I know there isn't a right or wrong way to do this. I wish we didn't have to do it at all. But I do know, God will be with us on that day just like He has been with us on every other day through this journey.

This song I have posted is one that breaks me down every time it plays. As soon as it starts playing I tear up and can feel the presence of the Lord. It is such a powerful song about the Holy Spirit being here with us. People are afraid or ashamed to talk about the Holy Spirit, but it is real. I long to feel it because it gives me peace and a reminder that He is right here beside me. I hold onto the words "A miracle can happen now for the Spirit of the Lord is here."

                                                        "Here As In Heaven"

The atmosphere is changing now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

Overflow in this place
Fill our hearts with Your love
Your love surrounds us
You're the reason we came
To encounter Your love
Your love surrounds us

Spirit of God fall fresh on us
We need Your presence
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
Here as in heaven

A miracle can happen now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

Lord, we need Your presence. I pray that you all seek it. 

Love to you all,

Jordan

Happy New Year.

It's been a month since I last posted. I have thought about it a lot, just haven't had the time with work and the holidays. I want to catch you up...so it's going to be a long one!

2016 was the most difficult year for us, so in a way I am glad to see it go. It's also the year Calvin was brought into our lives and will be difficult to feel further away from that time. We are praying that 2017 brings much happiness!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their families. I know we did, as much as we could, for missing a very special person. On Christmas Eve, Calvin would have been 10 months old and I was 11 weeks pregnant. If you didn't already know, we are expecting and I am now currently 12 weeks :). We are beyond thrilled but it doesn't come without fear. Fear is an understatement. I am trying to fully trust God and be at peace with this pregnancy. The only way to have peace is to fully accept any outcome. Yeah, easier said than done and it doesn't always mean it's a happy ending or your choice. I pray every single day that I get tomorrow with this sweet little one. I prayed that every day with Calvin as well, that he would be a healthy baby. He was, but God had a different plan for him. I'm praying that God's plan for this baby is for us to have him/her here on Earth with us. I have hope that this is His plan.

We missed Calvin on Christmas so much. It was hard not to think about him all day. We lit a candle on Christmas Eve in remembrance of him, a sweet friend bought me a decoration with a poem on it to set out every season, and I did have a stocking hanging for him because he is a part of our family. We also received a couple other ornaments from family members for Calvin which helped me feel like he was a part of it all. I think it will help even more when we have ornaments for future children so I don't ever feel he was left out. We spent Christmas Day at my parents with my brother and his family. Jude added such a new element to Christmas and it was such a joy to have him. It was hard not to picture Calvin crawling around with him. In fact, I did picture that all day.

This new pregnancy has brought a lot of mixed emotions. I know that all of you have prayed and hoped for another pregnancy for us just as much as we have. I knew that this baby would never replace Calvin in any way and I knew it wouldn't take away the pain. Though you always have a sense of hope, I was hoping that this pregnancy would take away a little pain. When you have so much sorrow, you cling on to any little hope that might make some of it go away. For me, it was another pregnancy. James and I found out on November 1st with an at home pregnancy test. It wasn't that normal "YAYYYYY WE ARE PREGNANT!" screaming and jumping up and down kind of thing. It's more of a cautiously excited feeling. Let me say, as I have said before, we are SO BLESSED, and fully recognize the gift we have been given to conceive. Thankfully, we have been able to conceive very easily. I KNOW there are so many couples out there that struggle to get pregnant or who have never been successful. My heart breaks for them but I can only hope they have trusted God's new plan for them. Even though there are others out there with more struggle, or a different struggle than us, doesn't make our struggle any less difficult. I am telling you our story, I know it's not the worst story. I will never forget the night it hit me. I'm sure hormones helped with a play in this but a few weeks after we found out I realized that this baby isn't Calvin and he/she isn't going to replace him. Stupid, I know. I obviously knew it wasn't going to be Calvin but you almost have a hope it would take some pain away. It hasn't. I am overjoyed that we are pregnant and I get to carry this new life. Our second child. But it doesn't take away the pain of losing Calvin, it just gives us a new joy in our life. It's really a bizarre feeling and one you would never understand unless you have gone through something similar. I hope you never do. Every single person who has had a second child has had the fear of not loving the second one as much as the first. I have heard that more times than I can count. It's so true. I didn't even get to raise my first born and I still feel that way! I know I will love this one just as much, but right now it is hard to imagine. The coolest thought is to know Calvin already knows his little brother or sister.

Which brings me to the question I get asked a lot. Do you prefer having a boy or girl? I'm going to answer honestly. This is tough to say my honest thoughts out loud because I know people will judge. When you were younger and imagined yourself starting a family, everyone thought "I want ____ many kids, and I want a _____ first and then _____, etc" How innocent and completely naive we all were. I have talked to many mommas that have lost a child and had been given the gift of another pregnancy, only the opposite gender. They said they went through "gender disappointment." They always said it just takes time to accept and realize the blessing of even being pregnant again. I know this will also be us. Of course, a healthy baby is our biggest concern. I always wanted a boy first because I loved having an older brother growing up that would protect me and just be the "big brother." We secretly hoped Calvin would be a boy, and we were ecstatic when we found out he was! We had so many visions of Calvin growing up as the big brother and working right along side his dad. I have always thought that having another boy might help our pain of losing our first boy. But again, just like I thought another pregnancy would help, maybe it won't. Yes, we have a nursery full of boy stuff, but that is my least concern. I want what God wants for us.  Would I love to have another boy, to be the protector, the "big brother." YES. But would I love a little girl just as much? Of course. It might take us a minute to completely switch gears but I would love that darling little girl just as much. I know gender is such a big debate, that it doesn't matter and people should be happy they are having a baby. YOU ARE RIGHT. But we are humans, and we have thoughts and desires that we can't help if we are being honest with ourselves. James and I want more than anything to have a happy healthy baby that we get to raise here with us. We will be over joyed whether it is a girl or a boy.

I ran out of time to talk about my pregnancy so far compared to my pregnancy with Calvin. I'd love to share those details so I will try to blog again soon to give you all an update! I also would like to update you on what has been happening with Bibles for Babies...amazing things! I would love for you all to continue to pray for our peace in this pregnancy and the baby's health.

I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy New Year!!

Love to you all,
Jordan

11 weeks 6 days baby #2

Christmas Eve with baby #2

Our candle lit for Calvin on Christmas Eve

The wooden tree has a poem about missing someone on Christmas

9 months.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! As the day winds down and the family is relaxing,  I decided to make a quick post. We had a great day at my in-laws and my parents house today, and am so thankful we have family to spend this day with.

It's hard to believe that today marks 9 months since I had Calvin, which now makes it the same amount of time that we had with him as he grew inside of me. I know I never got to interact with him outside of my body but we have unforgettable memories with him. We would sing and talk to him, rub him as he would kick (or punch) back, and James would always play guitar for him. Every night at bedtime was when we would interact with him most, he always moved as soon as he heard his dad's deeper voice. James would call him "Cal boy" and it melted my heart how much he loved him already. I have videos of Calvin squirming around and I'm so grateful to have those. As horrific as that day was, I would never wish I hadn't had him. I would do it all over again just to have those moments with Calvin. He has forever changed me. I will never take pregnancy for granted and am hopeful for more chances. You are never promised the next day, so make everyday with your baby count. So as sad as I am that he isn't here for his first Thanksgiving, I am thankful for him and the promise that he is with the Lord. I love you, Calvin James!

I hope everyone hugs their children extra today because you are so blessed to have them in your life!
I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving with your families. ❤️

Love to you all,
Jordan

This is one of my favorite worship songs that reminds me that God WILL restore my heart. It may not be with Calvin but he promises us something much bigger. Great are You, Lord.

An Open Letter

To family, friends, coworkers, and acquittances who are expecting or have been blessed with a little one recently,

I have always wanted to say these words out loud, I just wasn't sure how to do it. I can't say them to your face because I'll just be a blubbering mess. I want to first say in all sincerity, Congratulations! With all honesty, I am so happy for you. What a beautiful gift from God pregnancy is and an even bigger gift, a child. I am writing this letter because I haven't been involved in these conversations about your pregnancy and new baby how I would like to be. I remember the day after Calvin went to heaven I was supposed to get out of the bed and walk a little after surgery. The nurses had previously asked me if I wanted to stay on a different floor of the hospital but I was comfortable on the maternity floor and loved all of the nurses. They were truly amazing. I knew I may see other babies on my walk but decided I was going to do it. I remember walking with James passing by rooms in silence hearing a few baby cries, and thought to myself "how wonderful for them." Every time a baby is born piano music is played throughout the whole floor of the maternity floor. That is where my ability to keep it together was gone and we headed back to the room. Obviously it hurt me to hear those babies, but only because I didn't have mine. I was happy for them. Do you know how many people were excited for ME? Calvin had 3 baby showers...we are so loved! Why would I ever wish anything different on anyone else? I remember only a couple months later when I started back at work and I would be doing really well until the evenings. Every night I would lose it and just cry and tell James I didn't understand why I would all of the sudden break down and get this nauseous feeling. I figured it out... Facebook. I hadn't been on it for a while and when I thought I was doing better I started nonchalantly scrolling through my feed when I would get home from work. Everyone knows Facebook is full of babies, which is great! But not when you just lost one yourself. I thought I was stronger but realized I was just digging in the wound even more. Seeing those "this is the best thing that has ever happened to me" posts were like a knife stabbing me. I was supposed to have the "best thing that has ever happened to me!" Does that mean you all should stop posting that stuff? Of course not. You know I will post it all when I am able to with my future children. I needed to remove myself from it. And I did. I stopped getting on Facebook and miraculously my break downs became less and less frequent.  I think about the day that I post pictures of my future precious children and it kills me to imagine women on the other side of the screen hurt from a loss or inability to conceive. I hope they remove themselves for awhile and give themselves time to heal. Obviously Facebook isn't the only place I see babies and pregnant mommas. You are all over! Well at least in the eyes of someone that has lost or is trying, it seems that way. It doesn't bother me to see it, it actually makes me smile. It hurts to talk about it, and that is something that is getting easier and easier. I loved talking about pregnancy and babies before. It is just going to take me some time to get back to that without getting emotional. It's not because I don't care about your child, it's because it makes me think about what I lost with mine. I apologize if I haven't told you congratulations or if I haven't asked you how your pregnancy is going. I'm sorry if I missed your baby shower or haven't commented on one of your pictures about how adorable your baby is. Those are the things I'm slowly being able to do comfortably. I had to miss a few baby showers because I knew I would be thinking about Calvin and become emotional. I knew people would be thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. Your baby shower is about YOU, not me.  I am so blessed that the Lord allowed me to get pregnant and experience that joy that so many women aren't able to do and I thank Him for that gift every day. I pray for healthy babies and safe deliveries for you all. I pray for those of you who are trying to conceive and those of you who have been told you aren't able to. I pray that you have peace and put your trust in His plan for you.

With much love,
Jordan

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5
*This verse just amazes me. He has a plan for everyone if you just listen and follow Him.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And her worshipped the Lord there."
1 Samuel 1:27-28
*I was in absolute disbelief when I came across this verse. Annie (my sister in law) had posted this verse the day Jude was born. When I actually went back and read it awhile ago I realized how much of a truth this is for my life. We prayed for Calvin every day. We prayed for a healthy perfect baby. The Lord gave us a healthy perfect baby but had a bigger purpose for him in heaven. He is already doing great work here on earth. His whole life will be with the Lord and I am so thankful for that. In my prayers I thank God that I know where Calvin is, that he is being taken care of by the Lord Himself, and that I will be reunited with him again. If you have ever lost a baby or had a miscarriage I hope you know that you will see that baby again in heaven. The book "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford is a book about healing and hope for the parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or early infant death. It was helpful to read about where in the bible it gives you this confirmation.

Jude

I often, more often than not, get asked the question "Is it hard being around Jude?" Or something along those lines. Let me give you some details before I answer.

Jude is my nephew, my older brother's (Jonathan) son. Jude was due 10 days before Calvin. As you can imagine we were all ecstatic. My sister-in-law, Annie, and my brother told us all they were expecting a few days before my husband and I decided to share our news. You can imagine the scene when we told the family we were expecting and they were due 10 days apart.  They were originally due 4 days apart but my due date got changed. The next 6 months were filled with talking about how they were going to be "twin cousins" and my parents would have "twin grandsons." They were going to be best friends and grow up together having each other's backs in school. We bought them matching clothes, planned a family photoshoot for when they would be 6 months, and my mom even bought a double stroller. We had envisioned so many events that both boys would be at together; weddings, joined birthday parties, and holidays.

Jude was born premature, 3.5 weeks early on January 20th, 2016, one day before my mom's birthday. What a gift! He was only 4 lbs. 15 oz. but as healthy as can be. We would later find that this was such a blessing in disguise. I was able to know Jude for 3.5 weeks as my nephew, build a relationship with him, fall in love with him, and give him attention he deserved from an aunt before being devastated with the loss of my own son. Had he been born closer to Calvin, I may have not been able to build that love as much.

So to answer everyones question. YES, it is hard. Every time I look at Jude, which is never less than once a week, I think of Calvin. It is such a weird feeling to be holding someone you love so much but be saddened by the thought of what you should have as your own. Every time he smiles (which is all the time) I wonder what Calvin's smile would be like. I adore when Jude laughs but long to hear Calvin laugh. Every time Jude completes a milestone, I think "That's what Calvin would be doing right now." I can't even talk about James with Jude without getting emotional. Every time he interacts with Jude I think I forget to take a breath. He is such an amazing uncle to both his niece and nephew that I know he is going to make an amazing dad. He feeds Jude, plays guitar for him, flies him around, and it makes my heart melt every time. The moments that we all pictured our sons having together is the most difficult. Having to cancel your family photoshoot because a main member of your family is no longer there. Walking out of a family wedding because you couldn't control yourself picturing Jude and Calvin being there together. Seeing Jude in the double stroller without anyone beside him because it was the only stroller my mom had and she thought I had left. Heart wrenching. I'm not telling you this to feel bad for me. I know many of you already do. I'm writing this because I know there are others out there that have similar experiences and I want them to know they aren't alone. It's ok to just cry when these moments come up after a loss. If there is one thing I would have done differently in the first few months it would have been to just cry it out. I think I held too much in and acted like I was fine instead of just letting the emotions out. Of course I cried a lot but I always waited till I was home, by myself.

But I absolutely love my little Jude man more than anything. He is such a blessing to our family. He brings me so much joy and will always hold a very special place in my heart. It doesn't cover up the pain of not having Calvin here but he helps me find the joy in life. He made my mom a grandma, and me an aunt. I would never wish anything differently, he came at the perfect time and I know Calvin will still be watching over him his whole life. I will make sure Jude knows about his "twin cousin" in Heaven.


"Every good and perfect gift is from above"
James 1:17

 

Finding out Calvin is a boy!

Halloween party.

Christmas morning- excuse the no make-up.

Jude's here! 1-20-2016

What a joyful time all of these moments were. It's hard to think back though, does what happen make them no longer joyful? I think it just made losing Calvin more difficult. An indescribable feeling, really.

My Story

For most parents the day their child is born is the best day of their lives. For my husband and I, it was the worst day of ours.

I had the easiest, most enjoyable pregnancy that I think you can have. Those 9 months hold some of the best moments of my life and I will never forget them. Calvin's due date was February 22nd.  I went into the hospital on February 24th, 2016 in normal labor, calm and not nervous. Calvin didn't like my contractions and they thought he might not do well in labor so we decided on just doing a C-section instead of it becoming an emergency. Calvin had a heart beat all the way up until he was born. When they cut the cord he never took a breath. Calvin James was born at 4:56am weighing 10 lbs. 1 oz. and 21.5 inches long. I'm skipping a lot of details about what went on leading up to the C-section, during, and after for my own sake. I am just not ready to relive it all in front of everyone. We did get to hold Calvin. I would say that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in all my life. He was the most perfect thing we've ever laid our eyes on. Physically, there was not a thing wrong. Someday I will have the courage to post pictures of him. He is such a beautiful baby but I feel like I am protecting him by not showing his picture. But I also know that if he were here I would be showing him off and that's exactly what I want to do. We had to wait 8 long weeks for the autopsy results. I really had no idea what the answer was going to be. I thought it had something to do with his weight but would later find that his weight had nothing to do with it. We've repeatedly gotten the response "some people just have big babies." We were also preparing ourselves for if it stated that the cause of death was unknown. The thing we were most scared of was that it would be something genetic and that we wouldn't be able to have any more children in the future. We would pray to God every night for these results. We didn't even know what to pray for...did we want there to be a reason? Did we want it to be unknown? What is the lesser of the two evils? It was determined that the cause of death was Meconium Aspiration. He had meconium in all 4 lobes of his lungs and they weren't able to get it all out. We got our answer, but of course it comes with 100 more questions. Meconium is a pretty common thing in pregnancy and rarely results in complications. So of course you ask "Why?" I'll never know why. We were thankful it wasn't anything genetic. We have been told we will be able to have healthy children in the future. Praise the Lord. What I do know is that Calvin is in the arms of Jesus. That he has it better than any one of us here. That I will be with him for eternity when it's time. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely devastated that my son isn't here with me today. I have to get up each day knowing he should be here and chose to keep moving forward with God by my side. It has not been an easy road and I don't know that it will ever be. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child says the feeling never goes away completely. I can't imagine that it does. But I do know I want to keep him a part of my life as much as I can and make him proud to be my son until I get to see him again.

Anyone who is willing to pray, we would love the prayers. Prayers for our continued peace and healing. Prayers for our future children.

much love,
Jordan

This website describes what meconium aspiration is:
https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm