An Open Letter

To family, friends, coworkers, and acquittances who are expecting or have been blessed with a little one recently,

I have always wanted to say these words out loud, I just wasn't sure how to do it. I can't say them to your face because I'll just be a blubbering mess. I want to first say in all sincerity, Congratulations! With all honesty, I am so happy for you. What a beautiful gift from God pregnancy is and an even bigger gift, a child. I am writing this letter because I haven't been involved in these conversations about your pregnancy and new baby how I would like to be. I remember the day after Calvin went to heaven I was supposed to get out of the bed and walk a little after surgery. The nurses had previously asked me if I wanted to stay on a different floor of the hospital but I was comfortable on the maternity floor and loved all of the nurses. They were truly amazing. I knew I may see other babies on my walk but decided I was going to do it. I remember walking with James passing by rooms in silence hearing a few baby cries, and thought to myself "how wonderful for them." Every time a baby is born piano music is played throughout the whole floor of the maternity floor. That is where my ability to keep it together was gone and we headed back to the room. Obviously it hurt me to hear those babies, but only because I didn't have mine. I was happy for them. Do you know how many people were excited for ME? Calvin had 3 baby showers...we are so loved! Why would I ever wish anything different on anyone else? I remember only a couple months later when I started back at work and I would be doing really well until the evenings. Every night I would lose it and just cry and tell James I didn't understand why I would all of the sudden break down and get this nauseous feeling. I figured it out... Facebook. I hadn't been on it for a while and when I thought I was doing better I started nonchalantly scrolling through my feed when I would get home from work. Everyone knows Facebook is full of babies, which is great! But not when you just lost one yourself. I thought I was stronger but realized I was just digging in the wound even more. Seeing those "this is the best thing that has ever happened to me" posts were like a knife stabbing me. I was supposed to have the "best thing that has ever happened to me!" Does that mean you all should stop posting that stuff? Of course not. You know I will post it all when I am able to with my future children. I needed to remove myself from it. And I did. I stopped getting on Facebook and miraculously my break downs became less and less frequent.  I think about the day that I post pictures of my future precious children and it kills me to imagine women on the other side of the screen hurt from a loss or inability to conceive. I hope they remove themselves for awhile and give themselves time to heal. Obviously Facebook isn't the only place I see babies and pregnant mommas. You are all over! Well at least in the eyes of someone that has lost or is trying, it seems that way. It doesn't bother me to see it, it actually makes me smile. It hurts to talk about it, and that is something that is getting easier and easier. I loved talking about pregnancy and babies before. It is just going to take me some time to get back to that without getting emotional. It's not because I don't care about your child, it's because it makes me think about what I lost with mine. I apologize if I haven't told you congratulations or if I haven't asked you how your pregnancy is going. I'm sorry if I missed your baby shower or haven't commented on one of your pictures about how adorable your baby is. Those are the things I'm slowly being able to do comfortably. I had to miss a few baby showers because I knew I would be thinking about Calvin and become emotional. I knew people would be thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. Your baby shower is about YOU, not me.  I am so blessed that the Lord allowed me to get pregnant and experience that joy that so many women aren't able to do and I thank Him for that gift every day. I pray for healthy babies and safe deliveries for you all. I pray for those of you who are trying to conceive and those of you who have been told you aren't able to. I pray that you have peace and put your trust in His plan for you.

With much love,
Jordan

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5
*This verse just amazes me. He has a plan for everyone if you just listen and follow Him.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And her worshipped the Lord there."
1 Samuel 1:27-28
*I was in absolute disbelief when I came across this verse. Annie (my sister in law) had posted this verse the day Jude was born. When I actually went back and read it awhile ago I realized how much of a truth this is for my life. We prayed for Calvin every day. We prayed for a healthy perfect baby. The Lord gave us a healthy perfect baby but had a bigger purpose for him in heaven. He is already doing great work here on earth. His whole life will be with the Lord and I am so thankful for that. In my prayers I thank God that I know where Calvin is, that he is being taken care of by the Lord Himself, and that I will be reunited with him again. If you have ever lost a baby or had a miscarriage I hope you know that you will see that baby again in heaven. The book "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford is a book about healing and hope for the parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or early infant death. It was helpful to read about where in the bible it gives you this confirmation.