My Story

For most parents the day their child is born is the best day of their lives. For my husband and I, it was the worst day of ours.

I had the easiest, most enjoyable pregnancy that I think you can have. Those 9 months hold some of the best moments of my life and I will never forget them. Calvin's due date was February 22nd.  I went into the hospital on February 24th, 2016 in normal labor, calm and not nervous. Calvin didn't like my contractions and they thought he might not do well in labor so we decided on just doing a C-section instead of it becoming an emergency. Calvin had a heart beat all the way up until he was born. When they cut the cord he never took a breath. Calvin James was born at 4:56am weighing 10 lbs. 1 oz. and 21.5 inches long. I'm skipping a lot of details about what went on leading up to the C-section, during, and after for my own sake. I am just not ready to relive it all in front of everyone. We did get to hold Calvin. I would say that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in all my life. He was the most perfect thing we've ever laid our eyes on. Physically, there was not a thing wrong. Someday I will have the courage to post pictures of him. He is such a beautiful baby but I feel like I am protecting him by not showing his picture. But I also know that if he were here I would be showing him off and that's exactly what I want to do. We had to wait 8 long weeks for the autopsy results. I really had no idea what the answer was going to be. I thought it had something to do with his weight but would later find that his weight had nothing to do with it. We've repeatedly gotten the response "some people just have big babies." We were also preparing ourselves for if it stated that the cause of death was unknown. The thing we were most scared of was that it would be something genetic and that we wouldn't be able to have any more children in the future. We would pray to God every night for these results. We didn't even know what to pray for...did we want there to be a reason? Did we want it to be unknown? What is the lesser of the two evils? It was determined that the cause of death was Meconium Aspiration. He had meconium in all 4 lobes of his lungs and they weren't able to get it all out. We got our answer, but of course it comes with 100 more questions. Meconium is a pretty common thing in pregnancy and rarely results in complications. So of course you ask "Why?" I'll never know why. We were thankful it wasn't anything genetic. We have been told we will be able to have healthy children in the future. Praise the Lord. What I do know is that Calvin is in the arms of Jesus. That he has it better than any one of us here. That I will be with him for eternity when it's time. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely devastated that my son isn't here with me today. I have to get up each day knowing he should be here and chose to keep moving forward with God by my side. It has not been an easy road and I don't know that it will ever be. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child says the feeling never goes away completely. I can't imagine that it does. But I do know I want to keep him a part of my life as much as I can and make him proud to be my son until I get to see him again.

Anyone who is willing to pray, we would love the prayers. Prayers for our continued peace and healing. Prayers for our future children.

much love,
Jordan

This website describes what meconium aspiration is:
https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm