Friday, June 23, 2017

Baby Girl

I've been thinking about blogging quite a bit as a I near my due date with baby girl. We have been so busy preparing for her arrival but I wanted to share with you some thoughts and emotions as we continue through this journey of pregnancy after loss.

On Saturday I will be 37 weeks pregnant and will most likely be delivering at 39 weeks if she hasn't come already! At our last ultrasound she was measuring average size and healthy in every way. About 2 weeks left, we are so ready! I say "ready" as in "I'm ready to have her here," but I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all nervous. Through this whole journey we have put our trust and faith in God. That He would restore our hearts. Everyday I pray that this is the child that will get to be here with us on Earth. Selfishly, I pray that prayer knowing that Calvin gets the best life of us all. As someone who has a strong faith in the Lord, I'm also not naive to how powerful He is. Yes, I believe and have hope that God is going to bless us with this little girl, but I also believe that He already has a plan and I don't know what that is. I prayed every day for Calvin as well and fully trusted that he would be here with me, but God had a bigger plan for him. Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." It's hard to accept that God's plan is much more important than our own desires, but I had to learn that at a young age. As sinners we aren't deserving of anything, God doesn't owe me anything. He has already promised me an everlasting life in eternity with Him.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I have made my requests known to God and he knows my heart. He has also given me peace and comfort through this pregnancy so that I am able to enjoy every moment carrying our little girl. It's difficult to not be anxious as I near my delivery day. For me this will be monumental for obvious reasons and I know that it will be very emotional for James and I, and our families. I know that many of you have been praying for us and we truly appreciate it. I'm asking that you pray for health and a safe birth no matter when or how she decides to come!

So, to say we are excited is an understatement, but a little anxious as well. As Father's Day was Sunday I was thinking about how amazing of a dad James will be and already is to our two babies. He has been right by my side holding my hand and being brave with me. Oh how I pray our children get his selflessness, sweetness, hardworking, strong, and loving traits that he acquires!

I also have to thank everyone for the prayers and kind comments that I have received throughout this pregnancy, they keep me going. Also, to my amazing coworkers and friends who threw me a baby "sprinkle" and other's who have showered little miss with gifts and love. It doesn't go unnoticed and we are so very grateful for you.


Calvin's Love update:
This past Thursday my mom got to speak at a Vacation Bible School to Pre-K through 6th grade kiddos about the Bibles for Babies ministry, and trusting and loving God even on your "bad" days. I love when my mom gets the opportunity to spread Calvin's Love and God's Word!! We have given out over 1,500 bibles! If you have or know of an organization or church who would like to partner with us and keep this ministry going please contact us and/or visit our website

 This was taken at 26 weeks with our little love. I have been trying to share more of this pregnancy as I know not to take a minute of it for granted.

 My perfect little girl at 32 weeks :)

I was so grateful to be showered with girly things for baby!

Pregnant with a best friend due only 1 day apart! I'm also pregnant with another best friend and sister-in-law, and we are all having girls! It's been a joy to be able to talk and relate with these girls throughout this pregnancy. 

We went to our family's lake house for our "babymoon!"

35 weeks pregnant

At a friend's wedding, 36 weeks pregnant!

I can't get over how much I look like I swallowed a basketball. We are so close!

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Calvin's Birthday & Baby #2

Wow, where did the time go? I can't believe it's already April and I have been thinking for awhile now how I haven't posted about Calvin's birthday event or an update on baby #2!

Calvin's First Birthday

February 24th, 2017- seems like forever ago now. SO much was built up for that day, so many emotions and a lot of work for the event. The day after the event was literally a relief with so much weight lifted off my shoulders. I should have blogged right then but I was so ready to give this baby their turn. The Calvin's Love event/celebrating Calvin's 1st birthday was a huge success! There were about 150 people at the event consisting of family, friends, and some strangers. The silent auction was amazing, and the raffle was a great success. I had a cake made for Calvin's birthday, probably the only "normal" thing at his first birthday. But nothing about our situation is normal. The hardest part of the night by far was when James and I spoke about our story up on stage in front of everyone. I knew I had to do it, and I wanted to do it, but I really wasn't sure how I would handle it emotionally. Well I lost it...the whole way through I believe. But that's ok. People saw a very raw, real, side of me that they probably have never seen before. Usually I can smile through the pain and not let others know what I'm feeling on the inside but that day, that moment, was completely different. It was his birthday, I relived the day he was born over and over again that day. Once I let all of it out and people heard the truth of the grief we had and are still going through, I felt such a relief. I knew his birthday was the perfect day to tell our story out loud and to honor him in the best way we knew how. With that being said, my birthday wish for Calvin was to raise enough money to give away 500 more bibles to children...well we DOUBLED that and raised enough to give away at least 1,000 more!! We were completely thrilled with the outcome and all of the support we had. I never dreamed his birthday and the event would be that successful and I could not be more grateful. Since his birthday we have been continuing to give the bibles away where needed. So thank you to all who came, donated, prayed, and supported us!

Baby #2

Like I previously said, after Calvin's first birthday I felt such fulfillment in honoring him and I knew it was time to give this baby the attention they deserved. Not that I don't still think of Calvin everyday but I felt like I gave him my every minute of life for a year and it was his sister's turn for some love. Yes, you heard it, his SISTER :) We are thrilled to announce we are having a little girl if you didn't already know! I am 26 weeks along today and I will say that we are so ready for her to be here already. We found out on Valentine's Day at my 18 week anatomy ultrasound that she was a little Miss. If you read my previous posts, we were a little nervous to find out the gender. We kind of felt like baby was a girl and were preparing ourselves for that. Of course, above all we wanted a healthy baby and that is what she is right now. But, I would be lying if I said the news didn't shock us a bit at first. It wasn't disappointment in any way, it was more the realization that everything would change. Our nursery, the clothes, and just the thought of having a daughter. It's crazy because I've always wanted a daughter, but after losing our was just confusing. Like I said before, even if we had found out we were having another son, I really don't think it would have changed our feelings much. Calvin will always be our first born son, but he will never be here with us. We will always have that grief no matter what. Over these last 8 weeks we have gotten really excited about having a daughter. We've bought a few things for her and the nursery, friends have bought her things, and we have had fun imagining what she will be like. I truly believe God wanted us to have a daughter and I am so thankful for that. One day I will look in her eyes and think "If it weren't for Calvin, we wouldn't have this beautiful girl." It's hard for me to imagine that now...but I know it will happen. I have been very surprised at how much peace I've had in this pregnancy. I was very worried that it wouldn't be an enjoyable pregnancy because I would be so anxious but that isn't the case. I am trusting God in every way and I know I have so many people praying for my peace and comfort. I truly believe this little girl will be here with us on Earth and am grateful for that hope. 2 Corinthians 1:5 "For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

Two days ago I started a new bible study with a group of ladies on 2 Corinthians and because of a random snow day off of work, I was able to start my homework! As I started reading I felt it was speaking straight to me. I have been thinking about this blog for awhile and how my grief has really changed. I am in such a better place now and am proud of the person Calvin has changed me into. I still have my moments and feelings of sadness but it isn't near the depth it used to be. I feel like God is restoring our hearts in a new way and making me grateful for the positive things Calvin has brought us. Although, I know I don't blog as much as I should, I have received so much feedback from others about how my writing has helped them in either a similar situation or just simply inspired them to become closer to God. That was my whole intent with this blog, as well as an outlet for my feelings through this journey. I would like to think I am accomplishing both. I want to share this verse because it describes this aspect of my life so well. I have never been able to empathize with people going through loss and now I embrace it hoping to help them along the way. 2 Corinthians 1:4 "He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with comfort we ourselves receive from God."

On Calvin's 1st birthday I decided it was time to share his picture. I don't know why I was so hesitant to do so before, he was a perfectly beautiful baby but I think a part of me was guarding my heart.  At his birthday we had a slide show of pictures, a baby book that I made for him, and one my best friend made for me. I felt comfort with the positive response I received from people for sharing his pictures. 

I hope everyone has a Happy Easter!


Calvin James Frado
February 24th, 2016
10 lb. 1 oz.
20.5 in.

                        I wanted to be a normal mom for a moment that day and write it down.

James and I visited his grave the week of his birthday for the first time since his service. I've never been one to go to the cemetery for connection, I feel I can talk to Calvin anytime anywhere, and I do. We bought him a birthday arrangement of flowers and took it there together. It was difficult and surreal to be standing there together again but we felt a sense of peace and comfort knowing that he is in such a better place with our Father.

You hold it all, Lord.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

February. Calvin's Birthday Month.

Well, February is here. I can feel my emotions becoming stronger and stronger as it gets closer to Calvin's first birthday, February 24th. I can't believe a year as came and gone. How have I gotten through a year of life without him? It's been rough, but I have had a lot of help. I remember sitting in the exact spot I am right now in the first month of Calvin being gone and just thinking to myself "I can't wait till more time goes by and this gets easier." As I sit here today I am able to say, it did get easier. Though, not as much as I would have hoped. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I wouldn't want to not think about him though. But, I also relive the day of his birth over and over and over again more times than I could ever count. I don't know that I will ever stop doing that, or will ever stop asking "How? Why?" Like every other mom who has lost a baby, you have some sort of guilt. "Was it something I did? What should I have done differently? I should have said something!" I don't experience this guilt anymore because I know deep down it wasn't anything I did. Of course you still go through everything in your head and manage to be upset with yourself for something you had no idea was even happening. Stewing over what happened and asking these questions doesn't change what happened. I know this. I just can't help it sometimes. Every morning I listen to worship music while I get ready, it's my time with God. At least once a week a song gets to me and I break down and cry (usually right after I put my make-up on- perfect timing). I think that's okay though. I need those moments with God, and I do still hurt. It's always the songs about praising God in the storm and needing Him. Boy have I ever. I am so blessed to have this ministry "Calvin's Love" that I know will keep Calvin in everyone's life forever and that he will never be forgotten. The fact that he is changing so many lives is also amazing. We are holding a big event for his birthday celebrating him and our ministry but I have been thinking about what else I want to do that day to honor his birthday. Some people release balloons, or write a letter. I'd love to hear anyone's ideas. Maybe a tradition to start?

Celebrating Calvin's Love
Many of you have already seen that we are holding a big fundraising event for Bibles for Babies called "Celebrating Calvin's Love." This is on Calvin's actual first birthday where we will be celebrating him and our new ministry. If you haven't heard of this you can learn more on our website at I would like everyone to know that we have given away over 500 children's bibles to families so far!! We have given them away to clothing banks, pregnancy centers, churches, health departments and are working on preschools, hospitals, and more. I just get chills thinking about the single struggling moms who are going to these places just to get diapers or formula for their babies and are handed a free children's bible. Something they maybe have never had or would ever buy for their child. Calvin is changing lives! Many friends who have gotten a bible for their own babies/toddlers have told me how much their child LOVES the Bible. It warms my heart to know they actually enjoy reading it and looking at the pictures instead of an ordinary bible that just sits in their drawer. My wish for his birthday is to raise enough money to give away 500 more! If you would like to help me reach my goal you may donate or buy tickets by going to the website above.

This Pregnancy
I am exactly 17 weeks today and feeling good. I am so thankful for everyone's prayers of peace with this pregnancy because it is working! I won't say I don't ever get worried or have moments of doubt but I have really been able to enjoy most of this pregnancy. Whenever I start thinking "what if" I quickly stop myself before I get worked up. I have felt the prayers calm me and allow me to be excited for this baby. James and I are so excited, but we both agree it is going super slow! July needs to get here so I can hold this peanut. I am believing that God is going to allow us to have this child here with us on Earth. I pray it everyday, and I believe it everyday. I imagine the birth of this baby a lot. I mostly picture myself holding this child against my chest after birth and just crying and crying. Crying because I'll be so over-joyed but also because I'll be so overcome with the emotions of what I missed with Calvin. It is going to be one emotional day.

One thing is for sure, I popped out way more quickly with this pregnancy. Everyone says you show sooner with your second and that is a definite. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Calvin until I was 12 weeks and didn't even begin to show till I was 14. I swear I popped out around 8 weeks with this one. I was wearing flowy shirts to work everyday and decided I needed to tell at 10 weeks because I was running out of loose clothes! I had told my first graders shortly after and I said "you'll see my belly get bigger and bigger" and one student shouted "Yeah I already have!" Children are priceless. I also was a lot more nauseous with this pregnancy than with Calvin. With Calvin I was only nauseous for maybe 4 weeks in the evenings. With this one I was nauseous from week 5-week 13 and then randomly would get spurts of it. I'm happy to say I haven't had any nausea the past couple weeks! However, I was so thankful to feel that nausea every day knowing it was my little babe forming healthy inside me. I was also extra exhausted by the end of the day with this pregnancy but I know that it is because I had been working all day. With Calvin, my first trimester was in the summer when I was off from school so I was able to sleep and relax whenever. I haven't felt baby move yet but didn't with Calvin till 21 weeks. They say you feel it sooner with your second because you now know the feeling. I'm hoping to soon! We are so excited to find out if baby is a Mr. or Miss on Valentine's Day at our 18 week anatomy ultrasound. So far baby is as healthy as can be :)

As excited as I am to find out the gender, I'm nervous too. We haven't changed/moved a thing in the nursery since it was set up for Calvin. It's even hard to call it "the nursery" and not "Calvin's room." I have been in there, sometimes to read or pray in the glider chair. I was in there the other day looking at his clothes in the closet and that's when it hit me. If we have a girl, I am going to have to take all of this out and that made me sick to my stomach to think about. I don't want to change a thing. Even if we have a boy, will I want him to have all of the same stuff? Calvin didn't use any of it so why would it matter? Will it make me upset? Should I give this boy his own theme? Either boy or girl, it is going to be difficult to go into the nursery and go through the items. I really am dreading that day because I know it will be very emotional. I know there isn't a right or wrong way to do this. I wish we didn't have to do it at all. But I do know, God will be with us on that day just like He has been with us on every other day through this journey.

This song I have posted is one that breaks me down every time it plays. As soon as it starts playing I tear up and can feel the presence of the Lord. It is such a powerful song about the Holy Spirit being here with us. People are afraid or ashamed to talk about the Holy Spirit, but it is real. I long to feel it because it gives me peace and a reminder that He is right here beside me. I hold onto the words "A miracle can happen now for the Spirit of the Lord is here."

                                                        "Here As In Heaven"

The atmosphere is changing now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

Overflow in this place
Fill our hearts with Your love
Your love surrounds us
You're the reason we came
To encounter Your love
Your love surrounds us

Spirit of God fall fresh on us
We need Your presence
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
Here as in heaven

A miracle can happen now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

Lord, we need Your presence. I pray that you all seek it. 
Love to you all,

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Happy New Year.

It's been a month since I last posted. I have thought about it a lot, just haven't had the time with work and the holidays. I want to catch you it's going to be a long one!

2016 was the most difficult year for us, so in a way I am glad to see it go. It's also the year Calvin was brought into our lives and will be difficult to feel further away from that time. We are praying that 2017 brings much happiness!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their families. I know we did, as much as we could, for missing a very special person. On Christmas Eve, Calvin would have been 10 months old and I was 11 weeks pregnant. If you didn't already know, we are expecting and I am now currently 12 weeks :). We are beyond thrilled but it doesn't come without fear. Fear is an understatement. I am trying to fully trust God and be at peace with this pregnancy. The only way to have peace is to fully accept any outcome. Yeah, easier said than done and it doesn't always mean it's a happy ending or your choice. I pray every single day that I get tomorrow with this sweet little one. I prayed that every day with Calvin as well, that he would be a healthy baby. He was, but God had a different plan for him. I'm praying that God's plan for this baby is for us to have him/her here on Earth with us. I have hope that this is His plan.

We missed Calvin on Christmas so much. It was hard not to think about him all day. We lit a candle on Christmas Eve in remembrance of him, a sweet friend bought me a decoration with a poem on it to set out every season, and I did have a stocking hanging for him because he is a part of our family. We also received a couple other ornaments from family members for Calvin which helped me feel like he was a part of it all. I think it will help even more when we have ornaments for future children so I don't ever feel he was left out. We spent Christmas Day at my parents with my brother and his family. Jude added such a new element to Christmas and it was such a joy to have him. It was hard not to picture Calvin crawling around with him. In fact, I did picture that all day.

This new pregnancy has brought a lot of mixed emotions. I know that all of you have prayed and hoped for another pregnancy for us just as much as we have. I knew that this baby would never replace Calvin in any way and I knew it wouldn't take away the pain. Though you always have a sense of hope, I was hoping that this pregnancy would take away a little pain. When you have so much sorrow, you cling on to any little hope that might make some of it go away. For me, it was another pregnancy. James and I found out on November 1st with an at home pregnancy test. It wasn't that normal "YAYYYYY WE ARE PREGNANT!" screaming and jumping up and down kind of thing. It's more of a cautiously excited feeling. Let me say, as I have said before, we are SO BLESSED, and fully recognize the gift we have been given to conceive. Thankfully, we have been able to conceive very easily. I KNOW there are so many couples out there that struggle to get pregnant or who have never been successful. My heart breaks for them but I can only hope they have trusted God's new plan for them. Even though there are others out there with more struggle, or a different struggle than us, doesn't make our struggle any less difficult. I am telling you our story, I know it's not the worst story. I will never forget the night it hit me. I'm sure hormones helped with a play in this but a few weeks after we found out I realized that this baby isn't Calvin and he/she isn't going to replace him. Stupid, I know. I obviously knew it wasn't going to be Calvin but you almost have a hope it would take some pain away. It hasn't. I am overjoyed that we are pregnant and I get to carry this new life. Our second child. But it doesn't take away the pain of losing Calvin, it just gives us a new joy in our life. It's really a bizarre feeling and one you would never understand unless you have gone through something similar. I hope you never do. Every single person who has had a second child has had the fear of not loving the second one as much as the first. I have heard that more times than I can count. It's so true. I didn't even get to raise my first born and I still feel that way! I know I will love this one just as much, but right now it is hard to imagine. The coolest thought is to know Calvin already knows his little brother or sister.

Which brings me to the question I get asked a lot. Do you prefer having a boy or girl? I'm going to answer honestly. This is tough to say my honest thoughts out loud because I know people will judge. When you were younger and imagined yourself starting a family, everyone thought "I want ____ many kids, and I want a _____ first and then _____, etc" How innocent and completely naive we all were. I have talked to many mommas that have lost a child and had been given the gift of another pregnancy, only the opposite gender. They said they went through "gender disappointment." They always said it just takes time to accept and realize the blessing of even being pregnant again. I know this will also be us. Of course, a healthy baby is our biggest concern. I always wanted a boy first because I loved having an older brother growing up that would protect me and just be the "big brother." We secretly hoped Calvin would be a boy, and we were ecstatic when we found out he was! We had so many visions of Calvin growing up as the big brother and working right along side his dad. I have always thought that having another boy might help our pain of losing our first boy. But again, just like I thought another pregnancy would help, maybe it won't. Yes, we have a nursery full of boy stuff, but that is my least concern. I want what God wants for us.  Would I love to have another boy, to be the protector, the "big brother." YES. But would I love a little girl just as much? Of course. It might take us a minute to completely switch gears but I would love that darling little girl just as much. I know gender is such a big debate, that it doesn't matter and people should be happy they are having a baby. YOU ARE RIGHT. But we are humans, and we have thoughts and desires that we can't help if we are being honest with ourselves. James and I want more than anything to have a happy healthy baby that we get to raise here with us. We will be over joyed whether it is a girl or a boy.

I ran out of time to talk about my pregnancy so far compared to my pregnancy with Calvin. I'd love to share those details so I will try to blog again soon to give you all an update! I also would like to update you on what has been happening with Bibles for Babies...amazing things! I would love for you all to continue to pray for our peace in this pregnancy and the baby's health.

I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy New Year!!

Love to you all,

11 weeks 6 days baby #2

Christmas Eve with baby #2

Our candle lit for Calvin on Christmas Eve

The wooden tree has a poem about missing someone on Christmas

Thursday, November 24, 2016

9 months.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! As the day winds down and the family is relaxing,  I decided to make a quick post. We had a great day at my in-laws and my parents house today, and am so thankful we have family to spend this day with.

It's hard to believe that today marks 9 months since I had Calvin, which now makes it the same amount of time that we had with him as he grew inside of me. I know I never got to interact with him outside of my body but we have unforgettable memories with him. We would sing and talk to him, rub him as he would kick (or punch) back, and James would always play guitar for him. Every night at bedtime was when we would interact with him most, he always moved as soon as he heard his dad's deeper voice. James would call him "Cal boy" and it melted my heart how much he loved him already. I have videos of Calvin squirming around and I'm so grateful to have those. As horrific as that day was, I would never wish I hadn't had him. I would do it all over again just to have those moments with Calvin. He has forever changed me. I will never take pregnancy for granted and am hopeful for more chances. You are never promised the next day, so make everyday with your baby count. So as sad as I am that he isn't here for his first Thanksgiving, I am thankful for him and the promise that he is with the Lord. I love you, Calvin James!

I hope everyone hugs their children extra today because you are so blessed to have them in your life!
I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving with your families. ❤️

Love to you all,

This is one of my favorite worship songs that reminds me that God WILL restore my heart. It may not be with Calvin but he promises us something much bigger. Great are You, Lord.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

The Holidays

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I guess I've been pretty busy with work and other things. We had our first fundraiser for Bibles for Babies this past weekend and raised enough money to buy 200 bibles! Amazing.

I've also been thinking a lot about the holidays coming up. Anyone that knows me knows I absolutely love the holidays. I love the decorations, the food, family gatherings, and the symbolism it gives to God. I think one of my favorite parts though, is that everyone is just cheerful. Everyone gets so happy around Christmas time. I'm worried I won't be this year. I want to enjoy the holidays with the many blessings I do have. I'd be lying if I said it isn't hard thinking about the ones I don't have. I know that when you become a parent holidays end up being all about your children. I was ready for that. I was ready for it to not be about me anymore. The truth is, it's really all about God and I need to remember that. I need to be content with that. As I try to focus on what is important this year, being thankful for my many blessings at Thanksgiving, and praising God for giving us his only Son on Christmas, I still want Calvin to be a part of it. I have been thinking about ways I can keep him close during these times and I have come up with a few ideas. If anyone has experience with losing a child, or knows someone who has, I would love to know what you do to keep your children a part of the traditions.

I bought an ornament for Calvin this year. One I considered said, "Calvin's First Christmas in Heaven." But I thought to myself, I don't care where he's his first Christmas! I just wanted a traditional First Christmas ornament, so that's what I chose. A lot of what I decide is based on what I would do if he were here. Not because I'm trying to pretend that he is. I know my son is not living and I know he isn't ever going to be here with me on Earth. It makes me feel better knowing I still love him just as much as if he were here. I use that word lightly because I do know that he is here with me in spirit. I know that I can talk to him and that he knows how much we love him.

I have also been thinking about a stocking. It seems like such a trivial thing, but when you pictured having your son's stocking in between you and your husbands the last Christmas it's painful. I have gone back and forth, is it worse to see it there every day and be sad or to not have one there and be sad? I think about when we have more children and they are all hanging in a row. Do I really want him to not have one? Like he isn't a part of the family? Even though I know it won't ever have anything in it. You never think about these things when something like this happens. These things are daily occurrences. Everything you do and talk about leads back to your child. I'm trying to dwell on the positive. Calvin is making such a difference in this world already and I couldn't be more humbled. I want to be joyful this Christmas and I know I can be if I chose to.

I want to start sharing some of my favorite worship songs with you that have been getting me through these rough days. This has been my favorite from the very beginning. It puts me to tears every time and I find such truth in these words. The lead singer of this band happens to be the husband of the women whose book I read and inspired me to start this blog. Talk about a power couple. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. His love is fierce. 

Monday, October 24, 2016

8 months.

Today Calvin would be 8 months old. I think about all the things he would be doing and how I would post a picture of him with the little tie showing month 8 that my brother and sister-in-law got for me.

This past Saturday I was in one of my best friend's weddings and it was the most perfect day. She made the most beautiful bride and I'm so happy for her and her new husband! Now here I am sick with the flu and home from work after an amazing weekend celebrating a best friend. If i'm going to lay on the couch all day at least I can write. I have been to a lot of weddings since having Calvin and the most emotional part for me is when the pastor talks about how you will have to love each other through the good and bad, the fun times, and the hard times, the happy moments and moments of sorrow. When I stood next to my husband on my wedding day and repeated those words, I never knew just how true that was. My life was pretty perfect and I was marrying my best friend. What could possibly be THAT bad? I knew there would be disagreements or road bumps in marriage but no one is ever prepared for losing a child. You never think about it, and you shouldn't have to. When we did lose Calvin, James and I clung to each other like we never had before. It was survival. I remember just a day after in the hospital we are trying to make sense of it all and talking about how we are going to use this next year to spend as much time together as we can. That God is giving us some extra time together and we should make the most of it and continue making our marriage the best it's ever been (of course, if I had the option to trade that extra time for Calvin I would in a heartbeat). It hasn't been easy. Our marriage is great because we have been able to spend so much time together and lean on each other, but trying to be content with life is really hard. It's hard not to wish away the days just so I can be pregnant again. Even then knowing that it won't take away the pain I have. Hoping it will help? It's like a roller coaster, I had been doing better I would say 3 or so months after, and then all of the sudden at 6 months I swear it was worse than the first 2 days in the hospital. Reality hits you hard and literally knocks the wind out of you. Reality that you will never know what Calvin would have been like here on Earth. Would he have his dads smile? Would he play sports? Would he be as kind hearted and hard working as his dad? Would he be a cuddle bug with me? It's the frustration that everyone around you has beautiful children and their world is centered around them. I want my world to be centered around my child! My world is centered around Calvin, it's just in a different way then most. I know I am not alone in these thoughts and there are so many others out there in my situation. I pray for you all. I pray that one day I will get to have children here on Earth but that I also give the time and attention to Calvin that he deserves. That is why I am so excited about Bibles for Babies. Hopefully this mission goes on forever and touches so many lives. That Calvin's name is out there in the world and is alive in my heart until the day I die and am reunited with him.

Every time I have these thoughts I always get brought back to God's promise. Yes, I get irritated about how he should be here but I quickly go back to God's plan. I KNOW I get to see him again in heaven. Do you know how many people don't know that? It makes me sick to my stomach for them. I also thank God that he chose US to live out this mission for Calvin and to touch the lives of babies and their mommies by bringing God's word to every home. Since day 1 we have been praying together for God's peace and healing for us. I have recently started thanking God for Calvin. This was actually a huge step for me, why would I thank God for a child that he didn't allow me to have? He did though, Calvin has changed me as a person drastically. Calvin has taught me what is truly important in life, I always knew what was important but didn't give it the attention like I do now. I have always been a believer and follower in Christ but I am ashamed by how I never proclaimed God's love to people. I would have NEVER started a blog and told the world the truth about God. I always cared about what people thought of me and didn't want to be judged. Calvin has changed that for the better. I now don't care what people think because I want the world to know the truth about our Savior. When I see His face for the first time, I want to be able to say "yes, God" I lived my life trying to bring people closer to you. Calvin has given me this strange confidence that I never thought I would have. I am finally living out what I always knew I should be a part of- advancing the kingdom of God.

"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"
-1 Peter 3:15

I will never be able to put into words how blessed I am to have James as my husband. He would pray for me, make sure I was eating, and took care of everything during my time of healing from the C section. He let me cry and go on and on about Calvin for months straight, listening to the same words and being sympathetic. Not that he never has his moments of grieving but men handle their emotions totally different. I think women in my situation are quick to get angry at their husbands for not being "upset" about what has happened. It's not that they aren't "upset" they just express their emotions differently. I know when James is sad because he stays quiet and doesn't say anything at all. I can't speak for every man but instead of talking about it all of the time, James kept himself busy by doing projects around the house. He was off of work with me for 3 and a half weeks and he reorganized our whole basement and built shelving to put all of our tubs on. He also helped my dad lay carpet in our mud room. He had to keep busy in order to help handle is emotions. I, on the other hand would read books, just sit and pray, and enjoy having visitors to talk to. If any of you came to visit me you saw that I wanted to talk about Calvin. James was usually not in the room because he didn't want to relive those details and talk about the same thing over and over. It was draining for him and at one point he told me "I have no emotions left." He had never dealt with this much grief in his life and after being sad for so long he literally ran out of emotions. As women, I swear we have enough emotions to last a lifetime...

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
-Matthew 5:16

Just my thoughts for today, now I should take a nap to try and get better. Love to you all.