October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day where people around the world light a candle at 7pm as a "Wave of Light" to honor and remember those gone too soon. Unfortunately, this day means a lot to me now, I never even knew it existed before. I won't be able to light a candle tonight but plan to all day today in remembrance of not only Calvin but my two miscarriages as well. My first miscarriage was 3 months before I became pregnant with Calvin. The same day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant was the same day I started miscarrying. February 2nd, 2015. It was a snow day off of work and ironically my grandpa's birthday. He got to meet that first baby at the gates in Heaven on his birthday! We didn't tell anyone, not even our parents at the time. It was a heartbreaking time, I think I felt ashamed and just tried to hold it all in. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me or go through the whole grieving thing in front of people. I now know how much it helps to have the support instead of trying to hold it together yourself. James was at work when I found out, and with tears streaming down my face in shock and excitement I began praying for this child. I was praying for their health, their future spouse, and that they would grow up serving the Lord. I am forever thankful for that pregnancy because the amount of excitement and love we had that day showed us that we were ready for a child. This last pregnancy happened at the beginning of September after we were cleared at 6 months after Calvin. It was actually an ectopic scare and was a very stressful and unknowing time. It ended up not being an ectopic pregnancy but resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Again, it was another whirlwind of emotions. I am forever grateful that I know the truth about where my babies are and that we will be reunited. I am still leaning on God and trusting Him. It's hard not to feel like those two pregnancies are over shadowed by my attention and love to Calvin but it isn't the same. I didn't know and have experiences with them like I did with Calvin. I get chills knowing I will get to meet them one day. I picture my 3 children playing together in Heaven and it makes me smile.
My candle will also be shining in memory of my cousin's daughter, Ashlynn, taken at just 4 months old, 5 weeks after Calvin was born. I had the privilege of knowing that beautiful baby girl and now my cousin and I share a very special bittersweet bond. Will you light a candle with me? What would really be amazing is if we all lifted these mothers up in prayer together. Praying for their peace and comfort from the Lord, and for their futures in trusting God's plan for their lives.
My cousin created "Random Acts of Kindness in Loving Memory of Ashlynn" in order to spread love and kindness to the world in Ashlynn's name. If you feel called, help keep this sweet girl's name alive by visiting the Facebook page to see what you can do to help.
https://www.facebook.com/ashlynnsactsofkindness/?fref=ts
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
Romans 8:18
Love to you all!
Jordan
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