Jude is my nephew, my older brother's (Jonathan) son. Jude was due 10 days before Calvin. As you can imagine we were all ecstatic. My sister-in-law, Annie, and my brother told us all they were expecting a few days before my husband and I decided to share our news. You can imagine the scene when we told the family we were expecting and they were due 10 days apart. They were originally due 4 days apart but my due date got changed. The next 6 months were filled with talking about how they were going to be "twin cousins" and my parents would have "twin grandsons." They were going to be best friends and grow up together having each other's backs in school. We bought them matching clothes, planned a family photoshoot for when they would be 6 months, and my mom even bought a double stroller. We had envisioned so many events that both boys would be at together; weddings, joined birthday parties, and holidays.
Jude was born premature, 3.5 weeks early on January 20th, 2016, one day before my mom's birthday. What a gift! He was only 4 lbs. 15 oz. but as healthy as can be. We would later find that this was such a blessing in disguise. I was able to know Jude for 3.5 weeks as my nephew, build a relationship with him, fall in love with him, and give him attention he deserved from an aunt before being devastated with the loss of my own son. Had he been born closer to Calvin, I may have not been able to build that love as much.
So to answer everyones question. YES, it is hard. Every time I look at Jude, which is never less than once a week, I think of Calvin. It is such a weird feeling to be holding someone you love so much but be saddened by the thought of what you should have as your own. Every time he smiles (which is all the time) I wonder what Calvin's smile would be like. I adore when Jude laughs but long to hear Calvin laugh. Every time Jude completes a milestone, I think "That's what Calvin would be doing right now." I can't even talk about James with Jude without getting emotional. Every time he interacts with Jude I think I forget to take a breath. He is such an amazing uncle to both his niece and nephew that I know he is going to make an amazing dad. He feeds Jude, plays guitar for him, flies him around, and it makes my heart melt every time. The moments that we all pictured our sons having together is the most difficult. Having to cancel your family photoshoot because a main member of your family is no longer there. Walking out of a family wedding because you couldn't control yourself picturing Jude and Calvin being there together. Seeing Jude in the double stroller without anyone beside him because it was the only stroller my mom had and she thought I had left. Heart wrenching. I'm not telling you this to feel bad for me. I know many of you already do. I'm writing this because I know there are others out there that have similar experiences and I want them to know they aren't alone. It's ok to just cry when these moments come up after a loss. If there is one thing I would have done differently in the first few months it would have been to just cry it out. I think I held too much in and acted like I was fine instead of just letting the emotions out. Of course I cried a lot but I always waited till I was home, by myself.
But I absolutely love my little Jude man more than anything. He is such a blessing to our family. He brings me so much joy and will always hold a very special place in my heart. It doesn't cover up the pain of not having Calvin here but he helps me find the joy in life. He made my mom a grandma, and me an aunt. I would never wish anything differently, he came at the perfect time and I know Calvin will still be watching over him his whole life. I will make sure Jude knows about his "twin cousin" in Heaven.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above"
James 1:17
Finding out Calvin is a boy!
Halloween party.
Christmas morning- excuse the no make-up.
Jude's here! 1-20-2016
What a joyful time all of these moments were. It's hard to think back though, does what happen make them no longer joyful? I think it just made losing Calvin more difficult. An indescribable feeling, really.
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