tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79611197603740567252024-03-05T03:53:01.783-08:00Calvin's Love"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And he worshipped the Lord there."
1 Samuel 1:27-28Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-80993360588083796832017-11-12T13:47:00.003-08:002017-11-12T13:47:34.103-08:00An Answered Prayer.She's at it again! This morning my mom gave an update about Calvin's Love to a church that has been supporting us for a year now.<br />
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I have also been wanting to give an update and share some very exciting news with you all... If you remember, when we started Bibles for Babies, the big picture was to get these bibles into the hands of each newborn and their caregiver. We have been giving them to preschools, pregnancy centers, health centers, resource centers, etc. Our goal was to get them into hospitals so that each newborn would go home with the Word of God. WE DID IT! A local hospital allowed us to give them the baby bibles as a donation and put them in the crib of each maternity room for every baby born at the hospital. Such an answer to prayer! Of course, if the mother doesn't wish to take the bible home, they aren't forced to. If you are local then you know of Firelands Regional Medical Center. We hope to spread this ministry to other surrounding hospitals!<br />
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The hospital agreed to give them out as donated bibles at the beginning of August. God sent us just the right people to make this happen. But, we still need help. Giving out this many bibles each year to one hospital alone is very costly. We have been fortunate enough to use a lot of the money raised at Calvin's birthday event to cover the bibles so far. We now need other ways for these bibles to be funded. If you are part of a church and think this ministry is something they would consider being a part of or donating to, please reach out to your pastor/leader! My mom is willing to speak at churches or events about our story and the ministry. If your company or organization would like to pledge any donation in helping us continue keeping these bibles in the hospitals then please reach out to us! No donation it too small. Last year we had a company give us their office change jar from the year- which was awesome. Another company gave us the money accumulated from paying $1 to wear jeans on Fridays. We were so thankful for those contributions and they helped buy a lot of bibles. God is doing amazing things and I am just here to share His truth with others and honor my son. If you feel called to join us in this journey please do so!<br />
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"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."<br />
1 Samuel 12:24<br />
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Thank you all for your support and prayers.<br />
Love,<br />
Calvin's mom<br />
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Calvin's grandma doing her thing!</div>
<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-77007650260580758082017-10-03T18:49:00.000-07:002017-10-03T18:49:32.806-07:00Calvin's TreeI can't believe it took me this long to share this story with you but I have been pretty busy with a new baby! Our baby girl is 3 months old...it's already flying by! I want to share with you how Calvin welcomed his new baby sister.<br />
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Back in the spring after Calvin was born, my parents planted a tree for him in the middle of their field at the house I grew up in. It's called a Happy Days Sweetgum tree. The name just makes me happy! Right now it's kind of small but I can't wait to see it grow over the years. I enjoy looking at it every time I pull into their drive way and watching it change with the seasons.<br />
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In the early summer, before Morley was born, my mom, James, and my grandma planted flowers around the base of his tree. I was surprised that they weren't blooming as the weeks went by but didn't really give it much thought, and what do I know about plants? Not much. Fast forward to July 1st, Morley Rae was born and it was the best day of our lives! This is off topic, but many people have been asking me how we chose the name. Morley is from a movie I saw back during my sophomore year of college called "Valentine's Day" and is also after my maiden name "More." Rae was picked because my husband, James, really liked the name "Ray" and I always said how this baby girl was such a ray of light during our time of grief. We decided to make it a little girly and went with the different spelling.<br />
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Back to my story...Our parents were at the hospital with us all day and didn't go home until late that night. The next day (July 2nd) my mom was walking across the field and when she passed Calvin's tree she was in awe. There it stood with a "Rae" of light shining through and ONE pink bloomed flower! None of the other flowers were even close to blooming. I get chills every time I think about it. Thankfully she got pictures because you just can't make this stuff up. We know that it was Calvin's way of saying "Welcome, baby sister!" It made my heart so happy to know she was acknowledged. God is so real. I wish people focused more on Him. These things happen right in front of our eyes, we just have to look! God was with us when Calvin was born, and God was with us when Morley was born. He allowed my mom to see this for a reason. He knows how important it is for me to keep Calvin close to my heart until I'm reunited with him. The Lord has restored our hearts with this precious girl and she is blessed to be able to call Calvin her brother.<br />
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oh, and then a butterfly just flew and landed on the tree :)</div>
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3 months old- seeing her brothers tree for the first time!</div>
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Grandma :)</div>
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-38404065750777151622017-06-23T08:35:00.000-07:002017-06-23T08:42:55.197-07:00Baby GirlI've been thinking about blogging quite a bit as a I near my due date with baby girl. We have been so busy preparing for her arrival but I wanted to share with you some thoughts and emotions as we continue through this journey of pregnancy after loss.<br />
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On Saturday I will be 37 weeks pregnant and will most likely be delivering at 39 weeks if she hasn't come already! At our last ultrasound she was measuring average size and healthy in every way. About 2 weeks left, we are so ready! I say "ready" as in "I'm ready to have her here," but I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all nervous. Through this whole journey we have put our trust and faith in God. That He would restore our hearts. Everyday I pray that this is the child that will get to be here with us on Earth. Selfishly, I pray that prayer knowing that Calvin gets the best life of us all. As someone who has a strong faith in the Lord, I'm also not naive to how powerful He is. Yes, I believe and have hope that God is going to bless us with this little girl, but I also believe that He already has a plan and I don't know what that is. I prayed every day for Calvin as well and fully trusted that he would be here with me, but God had a bigger plan for him. <b>Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."</b> It's hard to accept that God's plan is much more important than our own desires, but I had to learn that at a young age. As sinners we aren't deserving of anything, God doesn't owe me anything. He has already promised me an everlasting life in eternity with Him.<br />
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<b>Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."</b><br />
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I have made my requests known to God and he knows my heart. He has also given me peace and comfort through this pregnancy so that I am able to enjoy every moment carrying our little girl. It's difficult to not be anxious as I near my delivery day. For me this will be monumental for obvious reasons and I know that it will be very emotional for James and I, and our families. I know that many of you have been praying for us and we truly appreciate it. I'm asking that you pray for health and a safe birth no matter when or how she decides to come!<br />
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So, to say we are excited is an understatement, but a little anxious as well. As Father's Day was Sunday I was thinking about how amazing of a dad James will be and already is to our two babies. He has been right by my side holding my hand and being brave with me. Oh how I pray our children get his selflessness, sweetness, hardworking, strong, and loving traits that he acquires!<br />
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I also have to thank everyone for the prayers and kind comments that I have received throughout this pregnancy, they keep me going. Also, to my amazing coworkers and friends who threw me a baby "sprinkle" and other's who have showered little miss with gifts and love. It doesn't go unnoticed and we are so very grateful for you.<br />
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Love,<br />
Jordan<br />
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<b>Calvin's Love update</b>:<br />
This past Thursday my mom got to speak at a Vacation Bible School to Pre-K through 6th grade kiddos about the Bibles for Babies ministry, and trusting and loving God even on your "bad" days. I love when my mom gets the opportunity to spread Calvin's Love and God's Word!! We have given out over 1,500 bibles! If you have or know of an organization or church who would like to partner with us and keep this ministry going please contact us and/or visit our website calvinslove.com<br />
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This was taken at 26 weeks with our little love. I have been trying to share more of this pregnancy as I know not to take a minute of it for granted.</div>
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My perfect little girl at 32 weeks :)</div>
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I was so grateful to be showered with girly things for baby!</div>
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Pregnant with a best friend due only 1 day apart! I'm also pregnant with another best friend and sister-in-law, and we are all having girls! It's been a joy to be able to talk and relate with these girls throughout this pregnancy. </div>
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We went to our family's lake house for our "babymoon!"</div>
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35 weeks pregnant</div>
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At a friend's wedding, 36 weeks pregnant!</div>
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I can't get over how much I look like I swallowed a basketball. We are so close!</div>
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-45392441958754239952017-04-08T13:59:00.001-07:002017-04-08T13:59:53.005-07:00Calvin's Birthday & Baby #2<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Times; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;">Wow, where did the time go? I can't believe it's already April and I have been thinking for awhile now how I haven't posted about Calvin's birthday event or an update on baby #2!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Calvin's First Birthday</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">February 24th, 2017- seems like forever ago now. SO much was built up for that day, so many emotions and a lot of work for the event. The day after the event was literally a relief with so much weight lifted off my shoulders. I should have blogged right then but I was so ready to give this baby their turn. The Calvin's Love event/celebrating Calvin's 1st birthday was a huge success! There were about 150 people at the event consisting of family, friends, and some strangers. The silent auction was amazing, and the raffle was a great success. I had a cake made for Calvin's birthday, probably the only "normal" thing at his first birthday. But nothing about our situation is <i>normal</i>. The hardest part of the night by far was when James and I spoke about our story up on stage in front of everyone. I knew I had to do it, and I wanted to do it, but I really wasn't sure how I would handle it emotionally. Well I lost it...the whole way through I believe. But that's ok. People saw a very raw, real, side of me that they probably have never seen before. Usually I can smile through the pain and not let others know what I'm feeling on the inside but that day, that moment, was completely different. It was his birthday, I relived the day he was born over and over again that day. Once I let all of it out and people heard the truth of the grief we had and are still going through, I felt such a relief. I knew his birthday was the perfect day to tell our story out loud and to honor him in the best way we knew how. With that being said, my birthday wish for Calvin was to raise enough money to give away 500 more bibles to children...well we DOUBLED that and raised enough to give away at least 1,000 more!! We were completely thrilled with the outcome and all of the support we had. I never dreamed his birthday and the event would be that successful and I could not be more grateful. Since his birthday we have been continuing to give the bibles away where needed. So thank you to all who came, donated, prayed, and supported us!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Baby #2</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Like I previously said, after Calvin's first birthday I felt such fulfillment in honoring him and I knew it was time to give this baby the attention they deserved. Not that I don't still think of Calvin everyday but I felt like I gave him my every minute of life for a year and it was his sister's turn for some love. Yes, you heard it, his SISTER :) We are thrilled to announce we are having a little girl if you didn't already know! I am 26 weeks along today and I will say that we are so ready for her to be here already. We found out on Valentine's Day at my 18 week anatomy ultrasound that she was a little Miss. If you read my previous posts, we were a little nervous to find out the gender. We kind of felt like baby was a girl and were preparing ourselves for that. Of course, above all we wanted a healthy baby and that is what she is right now. But, I would be lying if I said the news didn't shock us a bit at first. It wasn't disappointment in any way, it was more the realization that everything would change. Our nursery, the clothes, and just the thought of having a daughter. It's crazy because I've always wanted a daughter, but after losing our son...it was just confusing. Like I said before, even if we had found out we were having another son, I really don't think it would have changed our feelings much. Calvin will always be our first born son, but he will never be <i>here</i> with us. We will always have that grief no matter what. Over these last 8 weeks we have gotten really excited about having a daughter. We've bought a few things for her and the nursery, friends have bought her things, and we have had fun imagining what she will be like. I truly believe God wanted us to have a daughter and I am so thankful for that. One day I will look in her eyes and think "If it weren't for Calvin, we wouldn't have this beautiful girl." It's hard for me to imagine that now...but I know it will happen. I have been very surprised at how much peace I've had in this pregnancy. I was very worried that it wouldn't be an enjoyable pregnancy because I would be so anxious but that isn't the case. I am trusting God in every way and I know I have so many people praying for my peace and comfort. I truly believe this little girl will be here with us on Earth and am grateful for that hope. 2 Corinthians 1:5 "For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Two days ago I started a new bible study with a group of ladies on 2 Corinthians and because of a random snow day off of work, I was able to start my homework! As I started reading I felt it was speaking straight to me. I have been thinking about this blog for awhile and how my grief has really changed. I am in such a better place now and am proud of the person Calvin has changed me into. I still have my moments and feelings of sadness but it isn't near the depth it used to be. I feel like God is restoring our hearts in a new way and making me grateful for the positive things Calvin has brought us. Although, I know I don't blog as much as I should, I have received so much feedback from others about how my writing has helped them in either a similar situation or just simply inspired them to become closer to God. That was my whole intent with this blog, as well as an outlet for my feelings through this journey. I would like to think I am accomplishing both. I want to share this verse because it describes this aspect of my life so well. I have never been able to empathize with people going through loss and now I embrace it hoping to help them along the way. 2 Corinthians 1:4 "He comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with comfort we ourselves receive from God."</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">On Calvin's 1st birthday I decided it was time to share his picture. I don't know why I was so hesitant to do so before, he was a perfectly beautiful baby but I think a part of me was guarding my heart. At his birthday we had a slide show of pictures, a baby book that I made for him, and one my best friend made for me. I felt comfort with the positive response I received from people for sharing his pictures. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I hope everyone has a Happy Easter!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Love,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Jordan</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Times; font-size: 16px;">Calvin James Frado</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Times; font-size: 16px;">February 24th, 2016</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"> I wanted to be a normal mom for a moment that day and write it down.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">James and I visited his grave the week of his birthday for the first time since his service. I've never been one to go to the cemetery for connection, I feel I can talk to Calvin anytime anywhere, and I do. We bought him a birthday arrangement of flowers and took it there together. It was difficult and surreal to be standing there together again but we felt a sense of peace and comfort knowing that he is in such a better place with our Father.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You hold it all, Lord.</span></div>
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-60347593274862539802017-02-04T12:17:00.000-08:002017-02-04T12:17:36.498-08:00February. Calvin's Birthday Month.Well, February is here. I can feel my emotions becoming stronger and stronger as it gets closer to Calvin's first birthday, February 24th. I can't believe a year as came and gone. How have I gotten through a year of life without him? It's been rough, but I have had a lot of help. I remember sitting in the exact spot I am right now in the first month of Calvin being gone and just thinking to myself "I can't wait till more time goes by and this gets easier." As I sit here today I am able to say, it did get easier. Though, not as much as I would have hoped. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I wouldn't want to not think about him though. But, I also relive the day of his birth over and over and over again more times than I could ever count. I don't know that I will ever stop doing that, or will ever stop asking "How? Why?" Like every other mom who has lost a baby, you have some sort of guilt. "Was it something I did? What should I have done differently? I should have said something!" I don't experience this guilt anymore because I know deep down it wasn't anything I did. Of course you still go through everything in your head and manage to be upset with yourself for something you had no idea was even happening. Stewing over what happened and asking these questions doesn't change what happened. I know this. I just can't help it sometimes. Every morning I listen to worship music while I get ready, it's my time with God. At least once a week a song gets to me and I break down and cry (usually right after I put my make-up on- perfect timing). I think that's okay though. I need those moments with God, and I do still hurt. It's always the songs about praising God in the storm and needing Him. Boy have I ever. I am so blessed to have this ministry "Calvin's Love" that I know will keep Calvin in everyone's life forever and that he will never be forgotten. The fact that he is changing so many lives is also amazing. We are holding a big event for his birthday celebrating him and our ministry but I have been thinking about what else I want to do that day to honor his birthday. Some people release balloons, or write a letter. I'd love to hear anyone's ideas. Maybe a tradition to start?<br />
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<b>Celebrating Calvin's Love</b><br />
Many of you have already seen that we are holding a big fundraising event for Bibles for Babies called "Celebrating Calvin's Love." This is on Calvin's actual first birthday where we will be celebrating him and our new ministry. If you haven't heard of this you can learn more on our website at <a href="http://www.calvinslove.com/">www.calvinslove.com</a> I would like everyone to know that we have given away over 500 children's bibles to families so far!! We have given them away to clothing banks, pregnancy centers, churches, health departments and are working on preschools, hospitals, and more. I just get chills thinking about the single struggling moms who are going to these places just to get diapers or formula for their babies and are handed a free children's bible. Something they maybe have never had or would ever buy for their child. Calvin is changing lives! Many friends who have gotten a bible for their own babies/toddlers have told me how much their child LOVES the Bible. It warms my heart to know they actually enjoy reading it and looking at the pictures instead of an ordinary bible that just sits in their drawer. My wish for his birthday is to raise enough money to give away 500 more! If you would like to help me reach my goal you may donate or buy tickets by going to the website above.<br />
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<b>This Pregnancy</b><br />
I am exactly 17 weeks today and feeling good. I am so thankful for everyone's prayers of peace with this pregnancy because it is working! I won't say I don't ever get worried or have moments of doubt but I have really been able to enjoy most of this pregnancy. Whenever I start thinking "what if" I quickly stop myself before I get worked up. I have felt the prayers calm me and allow me to be excited for this baby. James and I are so excited, but we both agree it is going super slow! July needs to get here so I can hold this peanut. I am believing that God is going to allow us to have this child here with us on Earth. I pray it everyday, and I believe it everyday. I imagine the birth of this baby a lot. I mostly picture myself holding this child against my chest after birth and just crying and crying. Crying because I'll be so over-joyed but also because I'll be so overcome with the emotions of what I missed with Calvin. It is going to be one emotional day.<br />
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One thing is for sure, I popped out way more quickly with this pregnancy. Everyone says you show sooner with your second and that is a definite. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Calvin until I was 12 weeks and didn't even begin to show till I was 14. I swear I popped out around 8 weeks with this one. I was wearing flowy shirts to work everyday and decided I needed to tell at 10 weeks because I was running out of loose clothes! I had told my first graders shortly after and I said "you'll see my belly get bigger and bigger" and one student shouted "Yeah I already have!" Children are priceless. I also was a lot more nauseous with this pregnancy than with Calvin. With Calvin I was only nauseous for maybe 4 weeks in the evenings. With this one I was nauseous from week 5-week 13 and then randomly would get spurts of it. I'm happy to say I haven't had any nausea the past couple weeks! However, I was so thankful to feel that nausea every day knowing it was my little babe forming healthy inside me. I was also extra exhausted by the end of the day with this pregnancy but I know that it is because I had been working all day. With Calvin, my first trimester was in the summer when I was off from school so I was able to sleep and relax whenever. I haven't felt baby move yet but didn't with Calvin till 21 weeks. They say you feel it sooner with your second because you now know the feeling. I'm hoping to soon! We are so excited to find out if baby is a Mr. or Miss on Valentine's Day at our 18 week anatomy ultrasound. So far baby is as healthy as can be :)<br />
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As excited as I am to find out the gender, I'm nervous too. We haven't changed/moved a thing in the nursery since it was set up for Calvin. It's even hard to call it "the nursery" and not "Calvin's room." I have been in there, sometimes to read or pray in the glider chair. I was in there the other day looking at his clothes in the closet and that's when it hit me. If we have a girl, I am going to have to take all of this out and that made me sick to my stomach to think about. I don't want to change a thing. Even if we have a boy, will I want him to have all of the same stuff? Calvin didn't use any of it so why would it matter? Will it make me upset? Should I give this boy his own theme? Either boy or girl, it is going to be difficult to go into the nursery and go through the items. I really am dreading that day because I know it will be very emotional. I know there isn't a right or wrong way to do this. I wish we didn't have to do it at all. But I do know, God will be with us on that day just like He has been with us on every other day through this journey.<br />
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This song I have posted is one that breaks me down every time it plays. As soon as it starts playing I tear up and can feel the presence of the Lord. It is such a powerful song about the Holy Spirit being here with us. People are afraid or ashamed to talk about the Holy Spirit, but it is real. I long to feel it because it gives me peace and a reminder that He is right here beside me. I hold onto the words "A miracle can happen now for the Spirit of the Lord is here."<br />
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<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.399999618530273px; font-weight: 700; text-align: center;"> "Here As In Heaven"</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13.399999618530273px; text-align: center;" /><br />
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The atmosphere is changing now<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />For the Spirit of the Lord is here<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />The evidence is all around<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />That the Spirit of the Lord is here<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Overflow in this place<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Fill our hearts with Your love<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Your love surrounds us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />You're the reason we came<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />To encounter Your love<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Your love surrounds us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Spirit of God fall fresh on us<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />We need Your presence<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Your kingdom come<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Your will be done<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Here as in heaven<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />A miracle can happen now<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />For the Spirit of the Lord is here<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />The evidence is all around<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />That the Spirit of the Lord is here</div>
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Lord, we need Your presence. I pray that you all seek it. </div>
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Love to you all,</div>
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Jordan</div>
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-32319665631806142952016-12-31T11:09:00.000-08:002016-12-31T11:26:48.751-08:00Happy New Year.It's been a month since I last posted. I have thought about it a lot, just haven't had the time with work and the holidays. I want to catch you up...so it's going to be a long one!<br />
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2016 was the most difficult year for us, so in a way I am glad to see it go. It's also the year Calvin was brought into our lives and will be difficult to feel further away from that time. We are praying that 2017 brings much happiness!<br />
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I hope everyone had a good Christmas with their families. I know we did, as much as we could, for missing a very special person. On Christmas Eve, Calvin would have been 10 months old and I was 11 weeks pregnant. If you didn't already know, we are expecting and I am now currently 12 weeks :). We are beyond thrilled but it doesn't come without fear. Fear is an understatement. I am trying to fully trust God and be at peace with this pregnancy. The only way to have peace is to fully accept any outcome. Yeah, easier said than done and it doesn't always mean it's a happy ending or your choice. I pray every single day that I get tomorrow with this sweet little one. I prayed that every day with Calvin as well, that he would be a healthy baby. He was, but God had a different plan for him. I'm praying that God's plan for this baby is for us to have him/her here on Earth with us. I have hope that this is His plan.<br />
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We missed Calvin on Christmas so much. It was hard not to think about him all day. We lit a candle on Christmas Eve in remembrance of him, a sweet friend bought me a decoration with a poem on it to set out every season, and I did have a stocking hanging for him because he is a part of our family. We also received a couple other ornaments from family members for Calvin which helped me feel like he was a part of it all. I think it will help even more when we have ornaments for future children so I don't ever feel he was left out. We spent Christmas Day at my parents with my brother and his family. Jude added such a new element to Christmas and it was such a joy to have him. It was hard not to picture Calvin crawling around with him. In fact, I did picture that all day.<br />
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This new pregnancy has brought a lot of mixed emotions. I know that all of you have prayed and hoped for another pregnancy for us just as much as we have. I knew that this baby would never replace Calvin in any way and I knew it wouldn't take away the pain. Though you always have a sense of hope, I was hoping that this pregnancy would take away a little pain. When you have so much sorrow, you cling on to any little hope that might make some of it go away. For me, it was another pregnancy. James and I found out on November 1st with an at home pregnancy test. It wasn't that normal "YAYYYYY WE ARE PREGNANT!" screaming and jumping up and down kind of thing. It's more of a cautiously excited feeling. Let me say, as I have said before, we are SO BLESSED, and fully recognize the gift we have been given to conceive. Thankfully, we have been able to conceive very easily. I KNOW there are so many couples out there that struggle to get pregnant or who have never been successful. My heart breaks for them but I can only hope they have trusted God's new plan for them. Even though there are others out there with more struggle, or a different struggle than us, doesn't make our struggle any less difficult. I am telling you <i>our</i> story, I know it's not the <i>worst</i> story. I will never forget the night it hit me. I'm sure hormones helped with a play in this but a few weeks after we found out I realized that this baby isn't Calvin and he/she isn't going to replace him. Stupid, I know. I obviously knew it wasn't going to be Calvin but you almost have a hope it would take some pain away. It hasn't. I am overjoyed that we are pregnant and I get to carry this new life. Our second child. But it doesn't take away the pain of losing Calvin, it just gives us a new joy in our life. It's really a bizarre feeling and one you would never understand unless you have gone through something similar. I hope you never do. Every single person who has had a second child has had the fear of not loving the second one as much as the first. I have heard that more times than I can count. It's so true. I didn't even get to raise my first born and I still feel that way! I know I will love this one just as much, but right now it is hard to imagine. The coolest thought is to know Calvin already knows his little brother or sister.<br />
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Which brings me to the question I get asked a lot. Do you prefer having a boy or girl? I'm going to answer honestly. This is tough to say my honest thoughts out loud because I know people will judge. When you were younger and imagined yourself starting a family, everyone thought "I want ____ many kids, and I want a _____ first and then _____, etc" How innocent and completely naive we all were. I have talked to many mommas that have lost a child and had been given the gift of another pregnancy, only the opposite gender. They said they went through "gender disappointment." They always said it just takes time to accept and realize the blessing of even being pregnant again. I know this will also be us. Of course, a healthy baby is our biggest concern. I always wanted a boy first because I loved having an older brother growing up that would protect me and just be the "big brother." We secretly hoped Calvin would be a boy, and we were ecstatic when we found out he was! We had so many visions of Calvin growing up as the big brother and working right along side his dad. I have always thought that having another boy might help our pain of losing our first boy. But again, just like I thought another pregnancy would <i>help</i>, maybe it won't. Yes, we have a nursery full of boy stuff, but that is my least concern. I want what God wants for us. Would I love to have another boy, to be the protector, the "big brother." YES. But would I love a little girl just as much? Of course. It might take us a minute to completely switch gears but I would love that darling little girl just as much. I know gender is such a big debate, that it doesn't matter and people should be happy they are having a baby. YOU ARE RIGHT. But we are humans, and we have thoughts and desires that we can't help if we are being honest with ourselves. James and I want more than anything to have a happy healthy baby that we get to raise <i>here</i> with us. We will be over joyed whether it is a girl or a boy.<br />
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I ran out of time to talk about my pregnancy so far compared to my pregnancy with Calvin. I'd love to share those details so I will try to blog again soon to give you all an update! I also would like to update you on what has been happening with Bibles for Babies...amazing things! I would love for you all to continue to pray for our peace in this pregnancy and the baby's health.<br />
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I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy New Year!!<br />
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Love to you all,<br />
Jordan<br />
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11 weeks 6 days baby #2</div>
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Christmas Eve with baby #2</div>
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Our candle lit for Calvin on Christmas Eve</div>
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The wooden tree has a poem about missing someone on Christmas</div>
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-47049409351895938302016-11-24T16:43:00.002-08:002016-11-24T16:46:33.986-08:009 months.Happy Thanksgiving everyone! As the day winds down and the family is relaxing, I decided to make a quick post. We had a great day at my in-laws and my parents house today, and am so thankful we have family to spend this day with.<br />
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It's hard to believe that today marks 9 months since I had Calvin, which now makes it the same amount of time that we had with him as he grew inside of me. I know I never got to interact with him outside of my body but we have unforgettable memories with him. We would sing and talk to him, rub him as he would kick (or punch) back, and James would always play guitar for him. Every night at bedtime was when we would interact with him most, he always moved as soon as he heard his dad's deeper voice. James would call him "Cal boy" and it melted my heart how much he loved him already. I have videos of Calvin squirming around and I'm so grateful to have those. As horrific as that day was, I would never wish I hadn't had him. I would do it all over again just to have those moments with Calvin. He has forever changed me. I will never take pregnancy for granted and am hopeful for more chances. You are never promised the next day, so make everyday with your baby count. So as sad as I am that he isn't here for his first Thanksgiving, I am thankful for him and the promise that he is with the Lord. I love you, Calvin James!<br />
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I hope everyone hugs their children extra today because you are so blessed to have them in your life!<br />
I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving with your families. ❤️<br />
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Love to you all,<br />
Jordan<br />
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This is one of my favorite worship songs that reminds me that God WILL restore my heart. It may not be with Calvin but he promises us something much bigger. Great are You, Lord.<br />
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-87536651125828634962016-11-16T18:24:00.000-08:002016-11-16T18:24:54.944-08:00The HolidaysIt's been awhile since I've been on here. I guess I've been pretty busy with work and other things. We had our first fundraiser for Bibles for Babies this past weekend and raised enough money to buy 200 bibles! Amazing.<br />
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I've also been thinking a lot about the holidays coming up. Anyone that knows me knows I absolutely love the holidays. I love the decorations, the food, family gatherings, and the symbolism it gives to God. I think one of my favorite parts though, is that everyone is just cheerful. Everyone gets so happy around Christmas time. I'm worried I won't be this year. I want to enjoy the holidays with the many blessings I do have. I'd be lying if I said it isn't hard thinking about the ones I don't have. I know that when you become a parent holidays end up being all about your children. I was ready for that. I was ready for it to not be about me anymore. The truth is, it's really all about God and I need to remember that. I need to be content with that. As I try to focus on what is important this year, being thankful for my many blessings at Thanksgiving, and praising God for giving us his only Son on Christmas, I still want Calvin to be a part of it. I have been thinking about ways I can keep him close during these times and I have come up with a few ideas. If anyone has experience with losing a child, or knows someone who has, I would love to know what you do to keep your children a part of the traditions.<br />
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I bought an ornament for Calvin this year. One I considered said, "Calvin's First Christmas in Heaven." But I thought to myself, I don't care where he is...it's his first Christmas! I just wanted a traditional First Christmas ornament, so that's what I chose. A lot of what I decide is based on what I would do if he were here. Not because I'm trying to pretend that he is. I know my son is not living and I know he isn't ever going to be here with me on Earth. It makes me feel better knowing I still love him just as much as if he were here. I use that word lightly because I do know that he is <i>here</i> with me in spirit. I know that I can talk to him and that he knows how much we love him.<br />
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I have also been thinking about a stocking. It seems like such a trivial thing, but when you pictured having your son's stocking in between you and your husbands the last Christmas it's painful. I have gone back and forth, is it worse to see it there every day and be sad or to not have one there and be sad? I think about when we have more children and they are all hanging in a row. Do I really want him to not have one? Like he isn't a part of the family? Even though I know it won't ever have anything in it. You never think about these things when something like this happens. These things are daily occurrences. Everything you do and talk about leads back to your child. I'm trying to dwell on the positive. Calvin is making such a difference in this world already and I couldn't be more humbled. I want to be joyful this Christmas and I know I can be if I chose to.<br />
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I want to start sharing some of my favorite worship songs with you that have been getting me through these rough days. This has been my favorite from the very beginning. It puts me to tears every time and I find such truth in these words. The lead singer of this band happens to be the husband of the women whose book I read and inspired me to start this blog. Talk about a power couple. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. His love is fierce. </div>
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-42103456052054192592016-10-24T08:37:00.001-07:002016-10-24T08:37:18.509-07:008 months.Today Calvin would be 8 months old. I think about all the things he would be doing and how I would post a picture of him with the little tie showing month 8 that my brother and sister-in-law got for me.<br />
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This past Saturday I was in one of my best friend's weddings and it was the most perfect day. She made the most beautiful bride and I'm so happy for her and her new husband! Now here I am sick with the flu and home from work after an amazing weekend celebrating a best friend. If i'm going to lay on the couch all day at least I can write. I have been to a lot of weddings since having Calvin and the most emotional part for me is when the pastor talks about how you will have to love each other through the good and bad, the fun times, and the hard times, the happy moments and moments of sorrow. When I stood next to my husband on my wedding day and repeated those words, I never knew just how true that was. My life was pretty perfect and I was marrying my best friend. What could possibly be THAT bad? I knew there would be disagreements or road bumps in marriage but no one is ever prepared for losing a child. You never think about it, and you shouldn't have to. When we did lose Calvin, James and I clung to each other like we never had before. It was survival. I remember just a day after in the hospital we are trying to make sense of it all and talking about how we are going to use this next year to spend as much time together as we can. That God is giving us some extra time together and we should make the most of it and continue making our marriage the best it's ever been (of course, if I had the option to trade that extra time for Calvin I would in a heartbeat). It hasn't been easy. Our marriage is great because we have been able to spend so much time together and lean on each other, but trying to be content with life is really hard. It's hard not to wish away the days just so I can be pregnant again. Even then knowing that it won't take away the pain I have. Hoping it will help? It's like a roller coaster, I had been doing better I would say 3 or so months after, and then all of the sudden at 6 months I swear it was worse than the first 2 days in the hospital. Reality hits you hard and literally knocks the wind out of you. Reality that you will never know what Calvin would have been like here on Earth. Would he have his dads smile? Would he play sports? Would he be as kind hearted and hard working as his dad? Would he be a cuddle bug with me? It's the frustration that everyone around you has beautiful children and their world is centered around them. I want my world to be centered around my child! My world is centered around Calvin, it's just in a different way then most. I know I am not alone in these thoughts and there are so many others out there in my situation. I pray for you all. I pray that one day I will get to have children here on Earth but that I also give the time and attention to Calvin that he deserves. That is why I am so excited about Bibles for Babies. Hopefully this mission goes on forever and touches so many lives. That Calvin's name is out there in the world and is alive in my heart until the day I die and am reunited with him.<br />
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Every time I have these thoughts I always get brought back to God's promise. Yes, I get irritated about how he should be here but I quickly go back to God's plan. I KNOW I get to see him again in heaven. Do you know how many people don't know that? It makes me sick to my stomach for them. I also thank God that he chose US to live out this mission for Calvin and to touch the lives of babies and their mommies by bringing God's word to every home. Since day 1 we have been praying together for God's peace and healing for us. I have recently started thanking God for Calvin. This was actually a huge step for me, why would I thank God for a child that he didn't allow me to have? He did though, Calvin has changed me as a person drastically. Calvin has taught me what is truly important in life, I always knew what was important but didn't give it the attention like I do now. I have always been a believer and follower in Christ but I am ashamed by how I never proclaimed God's love to people. I would have NEVER started a blog and told the world the truth about God. I always cared about what people thought of me and didn't want to be judged. Calvin has changed that for the better. I now don't care what people think because I want the world to know the truth about our Savior. When I see His face for the first time, I want to be able to say "yes, God" I lived my life trying to bring people closer to you. Calvin has given me this strange confidence that I never thought I would have. I am finally living out what I always knew I should be a part of- advancing the kingdom of God.<br />
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<b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer </span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-30440A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-30440A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-30440B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-30440B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">-1 Peter 3:15</span><br />
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I will never be able to put into words how blessed I am to have James as my husband. He would pray for me, make sure I was eating, and took care of everything during my time of healing from the C section. He let me cry and go on and on about Calvin for months straight, listening to the same words and being sympathetic. Not that he never has his moments of grieving but men handle their emotions totally different. I think women in my situation are quick to get angry at their husbands for not being "upset" about what has happened. It's not that they aren't "upset" they just express their emotions differently. I know when James is sad because he stays quiet and doesn't say anything at all. I can't speak for every man but instead of talking about it all of the time, James kept himself busy by doing projects around the house. He was off of work with me for 3 and a half weeks and he reorganized our whole basement and built shelving to put all of our tubs on. He also helped my dad lay carpet in our mud room. He had to keep busy in order to help handle is emotions. I, on the other hand would read books, just sit and pray, and enjoy having visitors to talk to. If any of you came to visit me you saw that I wanted to talk about Calvin. James was usually not in the room because he didn't want to relive those details and talk about the same thing over and over. It was draining for him and at one point he told me "I have no emotions left." He had never dealt with this much grief in his life and after being sad for so long he literally ran out of emotions. As women, I swear we have enough emotions to last a lifetime...<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Corbel, Verdana, sans-serif;">-Matthew 5:16</span><br />
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Just my thoughts for today, now I should take a nap to try and get better. Love to you all.<br />
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Jordan<br />
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-88237393896052862812016-10-15T08:53:00.001-07:002016-10-15T08:56:47.027-07:00Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance DayOctober 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day where people around the world light a candle at 7pm as a "Wave of Light" to honor and remember those gone too soon. Unfortunately, this day means a lot to me now, I never even knew it existed before. I won't be able to light a candle tonight but plan to all day today in remembrance of not only Calvin but my two miscarriages as well. My first miscarriage was 3 months before I became pregnant with Calvin. The same day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant was the same day I started miscarrying. February 2nd, 2015. It was a snow day off of work and ironically my grandpa's birthday. He got to meet that first baby at the gates in Heaven on his birthday! We didn't tell anyone, not even our parents at the time. It was a heartbreaking time, I think I felt ashamed and just tried to hold it all in. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me or go through the whole grieving thing in front of people. I now know how much it helps to have the support instead of trying to hold it together yourself. James was at work when I found out, and with tears streaming down my face in shock and excitement I began praying for this child. I was praying for their health, their future spouse, and that they would grow up serving the Lord. I am forever thankful for that pregnancy because the amount of excitement and love we had that day showed us that we were ready for a child. This last pregnancy happened at the beginning of September after we were cleared at 6 months after Calvin. It was actually an ectopic scare and was a very stressful and unknowing time. It ended up not being an ectopic pregnancy but resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Again, it was another whirlwind of emotions. I am forever grateful that I know the truth about where my babies are and that we will be reunited. I am still leaning on God and trusting Him. It's hard not to feel like those two pregnancies are over shadowed by my attention and love to Calvin but it isn't the same. I didn't know and have experiences with them like I did with Calvin. I get chills knowing I will get to meet them one day. I picture my 3 children playing together in Heaven and it makes me smile.<br />
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My candle will also be shining in memory of my cousin's daughter, Ashlynn, taken at just 4 months old, 5 weeks after Calvin was born. I had the privilege of knowing that beautiful baby girl and now my cousin and I share a very special bittersweet bond. Will you light a candle with me? What would really be amazing is if we all lifted these mothers up in prayer together. Praying for their peace and comfort from the Lord, and for their futures in trusting God's plan for their lives.<br />
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My cousin created "Random Acts of Kindness in Loving Memory of Ashlynn" in order to spread love and kindness to the world in Ashlynn's name. If you feel called, help keep this sweet girl's name alive by visiting the Facebook page to see what you can do to help.<br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/ashlynnsactsofkindness/?fref=ts">https://www.facebook.com/ashlynnsactsofkindness/?fref=ts</a><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."</span></i><br />
Romans 8:18<br />
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Love to you all!<br />
Jordan<br />
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-35539340452180284352016-10-12T15:20:00.001-07:002016-10-12T15:20:49.062-07:00An Open LetterTo family, friends, coworkers, and acquittances who are expecting or have been blessed with a little one recently,<br />
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I have always wanted to say these words out loud, I just wasn't sure how to do it. I can't say them to your face because I'll just be a blubbering mess. I want to first say in all sincerity, Congratulations! With all honesty, I am so happy for you. What a beautiful gift from God pregnancy is and an even bigger gift, a child. I am writing this letter because I haven't been involved in these conversations about your pregnancy and new baby how I would like to be. I remember the day after Calvin went to heaven I was supposed to get out of the bed and walk a little after surgery. The nurses had previously asked me if I wanted to stay on a different floor of the hospital but I was comfortable on the maternity floor and loved all of the nurses. They were truly amazing. I knew I may see other babies on my walk but decided I was going to do it. I remember walking with James passing by rooms in silence hearing a few baby cries, and thought to myself "how wonderful for them." Every time a baby is born piano music is played throughout the whole floor of the maternity floor. That is where my ability to keep it together was gone and we headed back to the room. Obviously it hurt me to hear those babies, but only because I didn't have mine. I was happy for them. Do you know how many people were excited for ME? Calvin had 3 baby showers...we are so loved! Why would I ever wish anything different on anyone else? I remember only a couple months later when I started back at work and I would be doing really well until the evenings. Every night I would lose it and just cry and tell James I didn't understand why I would all of the sudden break down and get this nauseous feeling. I figured it out... Facebook. I hadn't been on it for a while and when I thought I was doing better I started nonchalantly scrolling through my feed when I would get home from work. Everyone knows Facebook is full of babies, which is great! But not when you just lost one yourself. I thought I was stronger but realized I was just digging in the wound even more. Seeing those "this is the best thing that has ever happened to me" posts were like a knife stabbing me. I was supposed to have the "best thing that has ever happened to me!" Does that mean you all should stop posting that stuff? Of course not. You know I will post it all when I am able to with my future children. I needed to remove myself from it. And I did. I stopped getting on Facebook and miraculously my break downs became less and less frequent. I think about the day that I post pictures of my future precious children and it kills me to imagine women on the other side of the screen hurt from a loss or inability to conceive. I hope they remove themselves for awhile and give themselves time to heal. Obviously Facebook isn't the only place I see babies and pregnant mommas. You are all over! Well at least in the eyes of someone that has lost or is trying, it seems that way. It doesn't bother me to see it, it actually makes me smile. It hurts to talk about it, and that is something that is getting easier and easier. I loved talking about pregnancy and babies before. It is just going to take me some time to get back to that without getting emotional. It's not because I don't care about your child, it's because it makes me think about what I lost with mine. I apologize if I haven't told you congratulations or if I haven't asked you how your pregnancy is going. I'm sorry if I missed your baby shower or haven't commented on one of your pictures about how adorable your baby is. Those are the things I'm slowly being able to do comfortably. I had to miss a few baby showers because I knew I would be thinking about Calvin and become emotional. I knew people would be thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. Your baby shower is about YOU, not me. I am so blessed that the Lord allowed me to get pregnant and experience that joy that so many women aren't able to do and I thank Him for that gift every day. I pray for healthy babies and safe deliveries for you all. I pray for those of you who are trying to conceive and those of you who have been told you aren't able to. I pray that you have peace and put your trust in His plan for you.<br />
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With much love,<br />
Jordan<br />
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"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."<br />
Jeremiah 1:5<br />
*This verse just amazes me. He has a plan for everyone if you just listen and follow Him.<br />
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"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."<br />
Psalm 139:13<br />
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"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And her worshipped the Lord there."<br />
1 Samuel 1:27-28<br />
*I was in absolute disbelief when I came across this verse. Annie (my sister in law) had posted this verse the day Jude was born. When I actually went back and read it awhile ago I realized how much of a truth this is for my life. We prayed for Calvin every day. We prayed for a healthy perfect baby. The Lord gave us a healthy perfect baby but had a bigger purpose for him in heaven. He is already doing great work here on earth. His whole life will be with the Lord and I am so thankful for that. In my prayers I thank God that I know where Calvin is, that he is being taken care of by the Lord Himself, and that I will be reunited with him again. If you have ever lost a baby or had a miscarriage I hope you know that you will see that baby again in heaven. The book "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford is a book about healing and hope for the parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or early infant death. It was helpful to read about where in the bible it gives you this confirmation.Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-55199491699905642552016-10-08T14:58:00.001-07:002016-10-08T15:01:23.908-07:00GiftsWhen Calvin had passed away I had an amazing support group. Amazing is an understatement. I had a community of people, friends, family, coworkers, and strangers reach out to my family and I during our time of pure devastation. I've mentioned this before but we received hundreds of cards, meals, gifts, books, flowers, prayers, and thoughtful words from people all over the world. Yes, people in numerous different states were praying for us as well as another country. I had multiple people tell me their entire church was praying for us. You have no idea how much James and I felt those prayers in those moments. I mean literally FELT them. I remember just being numb for days. It was hard to even cry because we were just numb. I think that was a survival feeling that God allowed us to have so that we could get through the worst of it. Calvin was born on a Wednesday and we were able to come home later that Friday. I think it was that Saturday James and I were sitting at the dinner table trying to eat one of the many meals prepared for us and discussing memorial service plans for Calvin. Not a discussion you ever want to have or ever dream of having. We felt something in that moment that I will never forget. It was pure peace. I fully believe that peace came from the hundreds of people praying for us right at that minute. Not the peace like everything is okay peace, more like my heart was able to just be still for a few minutes peace. This is one instance I remember very clear but there were many like that in the weeks to come. We had our memorial service for Calvin that Sunday with immediate family and I had many texts from people telling me they were praying for us that day. We felt it. That whole day I could feel their prayers surrounding me, protecting me. I was numbed and I thank God that he allowed us to feel the numbness on that day.<br />
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<strong style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 1.286em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">Psalm 107:28-30 "</strong><em style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 1.286em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven"</em></div>
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So let me get back to the reason for this post. When someone is going through a loss and that can be a loss of anyone, not just a child, you want to do <i>anything</i> you can for that person. I don't have to tell you that what would make that person truly feel better isn't possible, that's a given. I can confirm though that all of those other things do <i>help</i>. No one feels like cooking or eating for that matter so having meals prepared was a huge blessing. Obviously prayers is a main one, and I mean actually taking the time to stop and pray for that person instead of saying you will. Trust me, I was once there and would forget to pray for people I said I would pray for. After going through what I have, I haven't forgotten. Flowers were nice because I enjoy fresh flowers though I know some don't care to see them die. I want to share what two of my favorite gifts were.</div>
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Books. I got many many books from different people all in the category of grieving, infant loss, journaling about loss, faith in God through difficult times, etc. Some people may not enjoy reading but when it was the right time, I did. I want to share two books that I read that were actually my reason for starting this blog. To be honest I felt embarrassed about some of the feelings and thoughts I've had in the last 7 months until I read these books. They are both written by women who have lost a baby and ironically are both married to men who sing and worship in a Christian band. These women expressed some of the same thoughts and feelings that I've had and made me feel like I wasn't alone in them and that it was okay to have those. It also erased the "What did I do wrong to have this punishment?" thought. Here were two couples who gave their life to God every day worshipping and bringing people closer to Him, and they suffered this horrific loss. It doesn't matter who you are. So I thought, if these two books helped me through my difficult times so much then I hope my blog can help others like me. If a loss of a baby ever happens to someone you know, which I pray to God it doesn't (but is more common then you think) I highly recommend these books.</div>
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<i>Mending Tomorrow</i> by Alyssa Quilala <a href="http://alyssaquilala.com/">http://alyssaquilala.com</a></div>
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<i>I Will Carry You</i> by Angie Smith <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Will-Carry-You-Sacred-Dance/dp/080546428X">https://www.amazon.com/Will-Carry-You-Sacred-Dance/dp/080546428X</a></div>
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Memorabilia. I absolutely love and appreciate ANYTHING with Calvin's name on it. I'm not going to speak for everyone going through a loss but I bet I could speak for most when I say you want to hear and see their name as much as possible. Having objects with Calvin's name help me to know he is alive in people's hearts and minds. Jewelry is a big one for me because it's something I can wear everyday and is as close to me as possible. I have numerous necklaces and bracelets with his name or initials on them and I love it all. I don't leave the house without wearing at least one of them. It just makes me feel a little better, it reminds me that he is with me. You can't have too many, I love all of the different styles people got for me. We were also gifted a key chain, wind chimes, pictures, and others that all have his name engraved on them. I even had a few people donate a children's book to a library or children's bibles to those in need all in memory of Calvin. We also have things like a landscape stone and garden bench that have quotes about our precious son in Heaven. I appreciate it all, and know that any one of these gifts would help someone in my situation to know their loved one is close.</div>
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I am also very grateful for the many donations I received for the Calvin's Love fund. This fund purchased a Buddy Bench in Calvin's name among other things, and is starting our mission "Bibles For Babies." Monetary gifts towards causes that help keep a child's name alive or is something important to them is also a great way to help a grieving parent. I'll never be able to repay everyone for all they did for my family and I. I hope this post was helpful in ways to do <i>something</i> for a grieving parent. </div>
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Love to you all,</div>
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Jordan<br />
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Here are pictures of some of the Jewerly that I was gifted.</div>
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The necklace I'm wearing here said "Calvin James" I wore it to my brother's wedding and my best friend's wedding to have Calvin there with us.</div>
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The ring my mom got me for Mother's Day- Calvin's birthstone</div>
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Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-3885031203795779482016-10-08T10:44:00.001-07:002016-10-08T10:52:26.240-07:00JudeI often, more often than not, get asked the question "Is it hard being around Jude?" Or something along those lines. Let me give you some details before I answer.<br />
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Jude is my nephew, my older brother's (Jonathan) son. Jude was due 10 days before Calvin. As you can imagine we were all ecstatic. My sister-in-law, Annie, and my brother told us all they were expecting a few days before my husband and I decided to share our news. You can imagine the scene when we told the family we were expecting and they were due 10 days apart. They were originally due 4 days apart but my due date got changed. The next 6 months were filled with talking about how they were going to be "twin cousins" and my parents would have "twin grandsons." They were going to be best friends and grow up together having each other's backs in school. We bought them matching clothes, planned a family photoshoot for when they would be 6 months, and my mom even bought a double stroller. We had envisioned so many events that both boys would be at together; weddings, joined birthday parties, and holidays.<br />
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Jude was born premature, 3.5 weeks early on January 20th, 2016, one day before my mom's birthday. What a gift! He was only 4 lbs. 15 oz. but as healthy as can be. We would later find that this was such a blessing in disguise. I was able to know Jude for 3.5 weeks as my nephew, build a relationship with him, fall in love with him, and give him attention he deserved from an aunt before being devastated with the loss of my own son. Had he been born closer to Calvin, I may have not been able to build that love as much.<br />
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So to answer everyones question. YES, it is hard. Every time I look at Jude, which is never less than once a week, I think of Calvin. It is such a weird feeling to be holding someone you love so much but be saddened by the thought of what you should have as your own. Every time he smiles (which is all the time) I wonder what Calvin's smile would be like. I adore when Jude laughs but long to hear Calvin laugh. Every time Jude completes a milestone, I think "That's what Calvin would be doing right now." I can't even talk about James with Jude without getting emotional. Every time he interacts with Jude I think I forget to take a breath. He is such an amazing uncle to both his niece and nephew that I know he is going to make an amazing dad. He feeds Jude, plays guitar for him, flies him around, and it makes my heart melt every time. The moments that we all pictured our sons having together is the most difficult. Having to cancel your family photoshoot because a main member of your family is no longer there. Walking out of a family wedding because you couldn't control yourself picturing Jude and Calvin being there together. Seeing Jude in the double stroller without anyone beside him because it was the only stroller my mom had and she thought I had left. Heart wrenching. I'm not telling you this to feel bad for me. I know many of you already do. I'm writing this because I know there are others out there that have similar experiences and I want them to know they aren't alone. It's ok to just cry when these moments come up after a loss. If there is one thing I would have done differently in the first few months it would have been to just cry it out. I think I held too much in and acted like I was fine instead of just letting the emotions out. Of course I cried a lot but I always waited till I was home, by myself.<br />
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But I absolutely love my little Jude man more than anything. He is such a blessing to our family. He brings me so much joy and will always hold a very special place in my heart. It doesn't cover up the pain of not having Calvin here but he helps me find the joy in life. He made my mom a grandma, and me an aunt. I would never wish anything differently, he came at the perfect time and I know Calvin will still be watching over him his whole life. I will make sure Jude knows about his "twin cousin" in Heaven.<br />
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"Every good and perfect gift is from above"<br />
James 1:17<br />
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Finding out Calvin is a boy!</div>
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Halloween party.</div>
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Christmas morning- excuse the no make-up.</div>
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Jude's here! 1-20-2016</div>
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What a joyful time all of these moments were. It's hard to think back though, does what happen make them no longer joyful? I think it just made losing Calvin more difficult. An indescribable feeling, really.<br />
<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-20110799133941465902016-10-04T15:43:00.002-07:002016-10-04T15:43:28.634-07:00Say and Pray BibleAfter looking up different children's bibles on the internet and at bookstores, we decided on "Say & Pray Bible First Words, Stories, and Prayers," by Diane Stortz. This bible is perfect for many reasons. It is going to be gifted to newborns and is age appropriate for babies, toddlers, and young children. It's colorful, the pictures are appealing, and most of all children will be exposed to God's word. The teacher in me loved this board book because it labels everything! It is such a teaching moment for children and their caregiver. It is very basic with each page stating a short story, giving a verse from the bible, and ending with a short prayer that the child can say. I absolutely love how interactive it is and how it teaches children to talk to God. I think people often don't know how to talk to God and it can be as simple as these prayers. I love that there is a verse on every page, it may just encourage the caregiver to look it up in a bible. Or it may be the only scripture they've ever read in their life! We will also be getting stickers made to put on the back of each book where parents can fill out their newborns information as a keepsake. I can't wait to begin this mission!<br />
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<br />
Here is a link to the book details:<br />
<a href="http://www.thomasnelson.com/say-and-pray-bible">http://www.thomasnelson.com/say-and-pray-bible</a><br />
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<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-36115872799884662142016-10-03T18:17:00.001-07:002016-10-03T18:17:17.309-07:00My StoryFor most parents the day their child is born is the best day of their lives. For my husband and I, it was the worst day of ours.<br />
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I had the easiest, most enjoyable pregnancy that I think you can have. Those 9 months hold some of the best moments of my life and I will never forget them. Calvin's due date was February 22nd. I went into the hospital on February 24th, 2016 in normal labor, calm and not nervous. Calvin didn't like my contractions and they thought he might not do well in labor so we decided on just doing a C-section instead of it becoming an emergency. Calvin had a heart beat all the way up until he was born. When they cut the cord he never took a breath. Calvin James was born at 4:56am weighing 10 lbs. 1 oz. and 21.5 inches long. I'm skipping a lot of details about what went on leading up to the C-section, during, and after for my own sake. I am just not ready to relive it all in front of everyone. We did get to hold Calvin. I would say that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in all my life. He was the most perfect thing we've ever laid our eyes on. Physically, there was not a thing wrong. Someday I will have the courage to post pictures of him. He is such a beautiful baby but I feel like I am protecting him by not showing his picture. But I also know that if he were here I would be showing him off and that's exactly what I want to do. We had to wait 8 long weeks for the autopsy results. I really had no idea what the answer was going to be. I thought it had something to do with his weight but would later find that his weight had nothing to do with it. We've repeatedly gotten the response "some people just have big babies." We were also preparing ourselves for if it stated that the cause of death was unknown. The thing we were most scared of was that it would be something genetic and that we wouldn't be able to have any more children in the future. We would pray to God every night for these results. We didn't even know what to pray for...did we want there to be a reason? Did we want it to be unknown? What is the lesser of the two evils? It was determined that the cause of death was Meconium Aspiration. He had meconium in all 4 lobes of his lungs and they weren't able to get it all out. We got our answer, but of course it comes with 100 more questions. Meconium is a pretty common thing in pregnancy and rarely results in complications. So of course you ask "Why?" I'll never know why. We were thankful it wasn't anything genetic. We have been told we will be able to have healthy children in the future. Praise the Lord. What I do know is that Calvin is in the arms of Jesus. That he has it better than any one of us here. That I will be with him for eternity when it's time. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely devastated that my son isn't here with me today. I have to get up each day knowing he should be here and chose to keep moving forward with God by my side. It has not been an easy road and I don't know that it will ever be. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child says the feeling never goes away completely. I can't imagine that it does. But I do know I want to keep him a part of my life as much as I can and make him proud to be my son until I get to see him again. <br />
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Anyone who is willing to pray, we would love the prayers. Prayers for our continued peace and healing. Prayers for our future children.<br />
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much love,<br />
Jordan<br />
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This website describes what meconium aspiration is:<br />
<a href="https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm">https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm</a><br />
<br />Jordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-19639844877871919422016-10-03T16:12:00.002-07:002016-10-03T16:12:27.081-07:00Calvin's Love?Calvin's Love is a fund we decided to start when so many people reached out to us and wanted to do something. There will never be enough words to thank the community and people around the world that helped us through our horrific time. We were sent food, flowers, gifts, books, money, cards, and many prayers. It was really an overwhelming outpour of love. It makes me nauseous to even think back to those days. I decided to start "Calvin's Love Fund" to give back to others. This fund was initially intended for the benefit of my school's staff and students. My school was such an amazing support system, they had set up a meals on wheels for us and we had many visitors. With the fund, I was able to contribute money towards gifts for co-workers celebrating a baby or who were in need in another way. The main thing I used the money on was "Calvin's Buddy Bench" for my Elementary school (I'll talk more about the buddy bench in another post). Once I use all of the money on my school, we will be changing Calvin's Love to more of a broad Foundation to benefit children in our community. Our first mission being "Bibles For Babies" but the possibilities are endless! My mom likes to call Calvin her "tiny mighty missionary," and that is exactly who he is.<br />
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Love,<br />
JordanJordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-35832084389068741222016-10-03T09:44:00.002-07:002016-10-03T09:44:56.197-07:00Bibles For BabiesSince Calvin, we have tried turning the situation into a positive and thinking about how we can glorify God through it all. It has not been easy. Will I ever understand why Calvin isn't here with me? No. I can ask that question all day long, and try to figure it out while being emotionally exhausted and unfulfilled, or I can decide to wake up everyday and focus my time and energy on the blessings I do have and how I can honor God.<br />
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The day after Calvin was born my mom had this vision of "Bibles For Babies" but never told me about it till a little later, for obvious reasons. She thought there had to be a reason for this, that Calvin's purpose was much bigger. I know everyone hates the expression "Everything happens for a reason." Trust me, I do too. But I believe that when situations occur, you can use them to glorify God and bring people closer to Him. I also know that's hard to understand. I'm not always this positive...it's like a roller coaster. I have good days and bad days, but I always know the truth.<br />
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So, this is our vision for Bibles For Babies. We would like every newborn to receive a free children's bible. Of course, EVERY newborn will probably not happen. We want to start local and spread as we can, giving them to hospitals, health clubs, etc. to give to each baby born. After experiencing what we have, we feel that each child is such a miracle. The importance of each child knowing that Jesus loves them is so imperative in this world. Having the word of Jesus in every home, starting at such a young age, would be life changing. I could go on and on about this but will save the details for later! I will be posting the bible that we have already chose, fundraising events, and how you can donate or help us with this mission.<br />
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Love,<br />
JordanJordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7961119760374056725.post-85999052659448086902016-10-03T08:21:00.001-07:002016-10-03T08:51:37.561-07:00Welcome!After 7 long months I have made the decision to start a blog. In these last 7 months after Calvin, I have had so many thoughts and feelings I wasn't sure how I wanted to express. I talk to friends, family, and mainly my husband on a daily basis as my form of therapy. I had always thought about writing in a journal or typing in a private blog for myself but then I thought "How is that going to help anyone else?" So this blog is a lot for my healing, but i'm hoping to inspire, uplift, and give hope to others who decide to read or have experienced a loss. Facebook has really been my only means of communication to my amazing, never ending, support group. I would like to post more about Calvin, how life is going, and what God is doing in our lives for those who care to listen. I have never enjoyed writing, it's not a strength of mine, and i'm not a grammar freak...So give me a break :)<br />
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Also, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, so when better to start then now!?<br />
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Calvin was born for a purpose far too big for here on earth. I can't wait to share with you all about what God is doing and what is yet to come!<br />
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Love,<br />
JordanJordanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13279236932067366311noreply@blogger.com2