I've also been thinking a lot about the holidays coming up. Anyone that knows me knows I absolutely love the holidays. I love the decorations, the food, family gatherings, and the symbolism it gives to God. I think one of my favorite parts though, is that everyone is just cheerful. Everyone gets so happy around Christmas time. I'm worried I won't be this year. I want to enjoy the holidays with the many blessings I do have. I'd be lying if I said it isn't hard thinking about the ones I don't have. I know that when you become a parent holidays end up being all about your children. I was ready for that. I was ready for it to not be about me anymore. The truth is, it's really all about God and I need to remember that. I need to be content with that. As I try to focus on what is important this year, being thankful for my many blessings at Thanksgiving, and praising God for giving us his only Son on Christmas, I still want Calvin to be a part of it. I have been thinking about ways I can keep him close during these times and I have come up with a few ideas. If anyone has experience with losing a child, or knows someone who has, I would love to know what you do to keep your children a part of the traditions.
I bought an ornament for Calvin this year. One I considered said, "Calvin's First Christmas in Heaven." But I thought to myself, I don't care where he is...it's his first Christmas! I just wanted a traditional First Christmas ornament, so that's what I chose. A lot of what I decide is based on what I would do if he were here. Not because I'm trying to pretend that he is. I know my son is not living and I know he isn't ever going to be here with me on Earth. It makes me feel better knowing I still love him just as much as if he were here. I use that word lightly because I do know that he is here with me in spirit. I know that I can talk to him and that he knows how much we love him.
I have also been thinking about a stocking. It seems like such a trivial thing, but when you pictured having your son's stocking in between you and your husbands the last Christmas it's painful. I have gone back and forth, is it worse to see it there every day and be sad or to not have one there and be sad? I think about when we have more children and they are all hanging in a row. Do I really want him to not have one? Like he isn't a part of the family? Even though I know it won't ever have anything in it. You never think about these things when something like this happens. These things are daily occurrences. Everything you do and talk about leads back to your child. I'm trying to dwell on the positive. Calvin is making such a difference in this world already and I couldn't be more humbled. I want to be joyful this Christmas and I know I can be if I chose to.
I want to start sharing some of my favorite worship songs with you that have been getting me through these rough days. This has been my favorite from the very beginning. It puts me to tears every time and I find such truth in these words. The lead singer of this band happens to be the husband of the women whose book I read and inspired me to start this blog. Talk about a power couple. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. His love is fierce.