Today Calvin would be 8 months old. I think about all the things he would be doing and how I would post a picture of him with the little tie showing month 8 that my brother and sister-in-law got for me.
This past Saturday I was in one of my best friend's weddings and it was the most perfect day. She made the most beautiful bride and I'm so happy for her and her new husband! Now here I am sick with the flu and home from work after an amazing weekend celebrating a best friend. If i'm going to lay on the couch all day at least I can write. I have been to a lot of weddings since having Calvin and the most emotional part for me is when the pastor talks about how you will have to love each other through the good and bad, the fun times, and the hard times, the happy moments and moments of sorrow. When I stood next to my husband on my wedding day and repeated those words, I never knew just how true that was. My life was pretty perfect and I was marrying my best friend. What could possibly be THAT bad? I knew there would be disagreements or road bumps in marriage but no one is ever prepared for losing a child. You never think about it, and you shouldn't have to. When we did lose Calvin, James and I clung to each other like we never had before. It was survival. I remember just a day after in the hospital we are trying to make sense of it all and talking about how we are going to use this next year to spend as much time together as we can. That God is giving us some extra time together and we should make the most of it and continue making our marriage the best it's ever been (of course, if I had the option to trade that extra time for Calvin I would in a heartbeat). It hasn't been easy. Our marriage is great because we have been able to spend so much time together and lean on each other, but trying to be content with life is really hard. It's hard not to wish away the days just so I can be pregnant again. Even then knowing that it won't take away the pain I have. Hoping it will help? It's like a roller coaster, I had been doing better I would say 3 or so months after, and then all of the sudden at 6 months I swear it was worse than the first 2 days in the hospital. Reality hits you hard and literally knocks the wind out of you. Reality that you will never know what Calvin would have been like here on Earth. Would he have his dads smile? Would he play sports? Would he be as kind hearted and hard working as his dad? Would he be a cuddle bug with me? It's the frustration that everyone around you has beautiful children and their world is centered around them. I want my world to be centered around my child! My world is centered around Calvin, it's just in a different way then most. I know I am not alone in these thoughts and there are so many others out there in my situation. I pray for you all. I pray that one day I will get to have children here on Earth but that I also give the time and attention to Calvin that he deserves. That is why I am so excited about Bibles for Babies. Hopefully this mission goes on forever and touches so many lives. That Calvin's name is out there in the world and is alive in my heart until the day I die and am reunited with him.
Every time I have these thoughts I always get brought back to God's promise. Yes, I get irritated about how he should be here but I quickly go back to God's plan. I KNOW I get to see him again in heaven. Do you know how many people don't know that? It makes me sick to my stomach for them. I also thank God that he chose US to live out this mission for Calvin and to touch the lives of babies and their mommies by bringing God's word to every home. Since day 1 we have been praying together for God's peace and healing for us. I have recently started thanking God for Calvin. This was actually a huge step for me, why would I thank God for a child that he didn't allow me to have? He did though, Calvin has changed me as a person drastically. Calvin has taught me what is truly important in life, I always knew what was important but didn't give it the attention like I do now. I have always been a believer and follower in Christ but I am ashamed by how I never proclaimed God's love to people. I would have NEVER started a blog and told the world the truth about God. I always cared about what people thought of me and didn't want to be judged. Calvin has changed that for the better. I now don't care what people think because I want the world to know the truth about our Savior. When I see His face for the first time, I want to be able to say "yes, God" I lived my life trying to bring people closer to you. Calvin has given me this strange confidence that I never thought I would have. I am finally living out what I always knew I should be a part of- advancing the kingdom of God.
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"
-1 Peter 3:15
I will never be able to put into words how blessed I am to have James as my husband. He would pray for me, make sure I was eating, and took care of everything during my time of healing from the C section. He let me cry and go on and on about Calvin for months straight, listening to the same words and being sympathetic. Not that he never has his moments of grieving but men handle their emotions totally different. I think women in my situation are quick to get angry at their husbands for not being "upset" about what has happened. It's not that they aren't "upset" they just express their emotions differently. I know when James is sad because he stays quiet and doesn't say anything at all. I can't speak for every man but instead of talking about it all of the time, James kept himself busy by doing projects around the house. He was off of work with me for 3 and a half weeks and he reorganized our whole basement and built shelving to put all of our tubs on. He also helped my dad lay carpet in our mud room. He had to keep busy in order to help handle is emotions. I, on the other hand would read books, just sit and pray, and enjoy having visitors to talk to. If any of you came to visit me you saw that I wanted to talk about Calvin. James was usually not in the room because he didn't want to relive those details and talk about the same thing over and over. It was draining for him and at one point he told me "I have no emotions left." He had never dealt with this much grief in his life and after being sad for so long he literally ran out of emotions. As women, I swear we have enough emotions to last a lifetime...
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
-Matthew 5:16
Just my thoughts for today, now I should take a nap to try and get better. Love to you all.
Jordan
Monday, October 24, 2016
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day
October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day where people around the world light a candle at 7pm as a "Wave of Light" to honor and remember those gone too soon. Unfortunately, this day means a lot to me now, I never even knew it existed before. I won't be able to light a candle tonight but plan to all day today in remembrance of not only Calvin but my two miscarriages as well. My first miscarriage was 3 months before I became pregnant with Calvin. The same day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant was the same day I started miscarrying. February 2nd, 2015. It was a snow day off of work and ironically my grandpa's birthday. He got to meet that first baby at the gates in Heaven on his birthday! We didn't tell anyone, not even our parents at the time. It was a heartbreaking time, I think I felt ashamed and just tried to hold it all in. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me or go through the whole grieving thing in front of people. I now know how much it helps to have the support instead of trying to hold it together yourself. James was at work when I found out, and with tears streaming down my face in shock and excitement I began praying for this child. I was praying for their health, their future spouse, and that they would grow up serving the Lord. I am forever thankful for that pregnancy because the amount of excitement and love we had that day showed us that we were ready for a child. This last pregnancy happened at the beginning of September after we were cleared at 6 months after Calvin. It was actually an ectopic scare and was a very stressful and unknowing time. It ended up not being an ectopic pregnancy but resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Again, it was another whirlwind of emotions. I am forever grateful that I know the truth about where my babies are and that we will be reunited. I am still leaning on God and trusting Him. It's hard not to feel like those two pregnancies are over shadowed by my attention and love to Calvin but it isn't the same. I didn't know and have experiences with them like I did with Calvin. I get chills knowing I will get to meet them one day. I picture my 3 children playing together in Heaven and it makes me smile.
My candle will also be shining in memory of my cousin's daughter, Ashlynn, taken at just 4 months old, 5 weeks after Calvin was born. I had the privilege of knowing that beautiful baby girl and now my cousin and I share a very special bittersweet bond. Will you light a candle with me? What would really be amazing is if we all lifted these mothers up in prayer together. Praying for their peace and comfort from the Lord, and for their futures in trusting God's plan for their lives.
My cousin created "Random Acts of Kindness in Loving Memory of Ashlynn" in order to spread love and kindness to the world in Ashlynn's name. If you feel called, help keep this sweet girl's name alive by visiting the Facebook page to see what you can do to help.
https://www.facebook.com/ashlynnsactsofkindness/?fref=ts
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
Romans 8:18
Love to you all!
Jordan
My candle will also be shining in memory of my cousin's daughter, Ashlynn, taken at just 4 months old, 5 weeks after Calvin was born. I had the privilege of knowing that beautiful baby girl and now my cousin and I share a very special bittersweet bond. Will you light a candle with me? What would really be amazing is if we all lifted these mothers up in prayer together. Praying for their peace and comfort from the Lord, and for their futures in trusting God's plan for their lives.
My cousin created "Random Acts of Kindness in Loving Memory of Ashlynn" in order to spread love and kindness to the world in Ashlynn's name. If you feel called, help keep this sweet girl's name alive by visiting the Facebook page to see what you can do to help.
https://www.facebook.com/ashlynnsactsofkindness/?fref=ts
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
Romans 8:18
Love to you all!
Jordan
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
An Open Letter
To family, friends, coworkers, and acquittances who are expecting or have been blessed with a little one recently,
I have always wanted to say these words out loud, I just wasn't sure how to do it. I can't say them to your face because I'll just be a blubbering mess. I want to first say in all sincerity, Congratulations! With all honesty, I am so happy for you. What a beautiful gift from God pregnancy is and an even bigger gift, a child. I am writing this letter because I haven't been involved in these conversations about your pregnancy and new baby how I would like to be. I remember the day after Calvin went to heaven I was supposed to get out of the bed and walk a little after surgery. The nurses had previously asked me if I wanted to stay on a different floor of the hospital but I was comfortable on the maternity floor and loved all of the nurses. They were truly amazing. I knew I may see other babies on my walk but decided I was going to do it. I remember walking with James passing by rooms in silence hearing a few baby cries, and thought to myself "how wonderful for them." Every time a baby is born piano music is played throughout the whole floor of the maternity floor. That is where my ability to keep it together was gone and we headed back to the room. Obviously it hurt me to hear those babies, but only because I didn't have mine. I was happy for them. Do you know how many people were excited for ME? Calvin had 3 baby showers...we are so loved! Why would I ever wish anything different on anyone else? I remember only a couple months later when I started back at work and I would be doing really well until the evenings. Every night I would lose it and just cry and tell James I didn't understand why I would all of the sudden break down and get this nauseous feeling. I figured it out... Facebook. I hadn't been on it for a while and when I thought I was doing better I started nonchalantly scrolling through my feed when I would get home from work. Everyone knows Facebook is full of babies, which is great! But not when you just lost one yourself. I thought I was stronger but realized I was just digging in the wound even more. Seeing those "this is the best thing that has ever happened to me" posts were like a knife stabbing me. I was supposed to have the "best thing that has ever happened to me!" Does that mean you all should stop posting that stuff? Of course not. You know I will post it all when I am able to with my future children. I needed to remove myself from it. And I did. I stopped getting on Facebook and miraculously my break downs became less and less frequent. I think about the day that I post pictures of my future precious children and it kills me to imagine women on the other side of the screen hurt from a loss or inability to conceive. I hope they remove themselves for awhile and give themselves time to heal. Obviously Facebook isn't the only place I see babies and pregnant mommas. You are all over! Well at least in the eyes of someone that has lost or is trying, it seems that way. It doesn't bother me to see it, it actually makes me smile. It hurts to talk about it, and that is something that is getting easier and easier. I loved talking about pregnancy and babies before. It is just going to take me some time to get back to that without getting emotional. It's not because I don't care about your child, it's because it makes me think about what I lost with mine. I apologize if I haven't told you congratulations or if I haven't asked you how your pregnancy is going. I'm sorry if I missed your baby shower or haven't commented on one of your pictures about how adorable your baby is. Those are the things I'm slowly being able to do comfortably. I had to miss a few baby showers because I knew I would be thinking about Calvin and become emotional. I knew people would be thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. Your baby shower is about YOU, not me. I am so blessed that the Lord allowed me to get pregnant and experience that joy that so many women aren't able to do and I thank Him for that gift every day. I pray for healthy babies and safe deliveries for you all. I pray for those of you who are trying to conceive and those of you who have been told you aren't able to. I pray that you have peace and put your trust in His plan for you.
With much love,
Jordan
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5
*This verse just amazes me. He has a plan for everyone if you just listen and follow Him.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And her worshipped the Lord there."
1 Samuel 1:27-28
*I was in absolute disbelief when I came across this verse. Annie (my sister in law) had posted this verse the day Jude was born. When I actually went back and read it awhile ago I realized how much of a truth this is for my life. We prayed for Calvin every day. We prayed for a healthy perfect baby. The Lord gave us a healthy perfect baby but had a bigger purpose for him in heaven. He is already doing great work here on earth. His whole life will be with the Lord and I am so thankful for that. In my prayers I thank God that I know where Calvin is, that he is being taken care of by the Lord Himself, and that I will be reunited with him again. If you have ever lost a baby or had a miscarriage I hope you know that you will see that baby again in heaven. The book "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford is a book about healing and hope for the parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or early infant death. It was helpful to read about where in the bible it gives you this confirmation.
I have always wanted to say these words out loud, I just wasn't sure how to do it. I can't say them to your face because I'll just be a blubbering mess. I want to first say in all sincerity, Congratulations! With all honesty, I am so happy for you. What a beautiful gift from God pregnancy is and an even bigger gift, a child. I am writing this letter because I haven't been involved in these conversations about your pregnancy and new baby how I would like to be. I remember the day after Calvin went to heaven I was supposed to get out of the bed and walk a little after surgery. The nurses had previously asked me if I wanted to stay on a different floor of the hospital but I was comfortable on the maternity floor and loved all of the nurses. They were truly amazing. I knew I may see other babies on my walk but decided I was going to do it. I remember walking with James passing by rooms in silence hearing a few baby cries, and thought to myself "how wonderful for them." Every time a baby is born piano music is played throughout the whole floor of the maternity floor. That is where my ability to keep it together was gone and we headed back to the room. Obviously it hurt me to hear those babies, but only because I didn't have mine. I was happy for them. Do you know how many people were excited for ME? Calvin had 3 baby showers...we are so loved! Why would I ever wish anything different on anyone else? I remember only a couple months later when I started back at work and I would be doing really well until the evenings. Every night I would lose it and just cry and tell James I didn't understand why I would all of the sudden break down and get this nauseous feeling. I figured it out... Facebook. I hadn't been on it for a while and when I thought I was doing better I started nonchalantly scrolling through my feed when I would get home from work. Everyone knows Facebook is full of babies, which is great! But not when you just lost one yourself. I thought I was stronger but realized I was just digging in the wound even more. Seeing those "this is the best thing that has ever happened to me" posts were like a knife stabbing me. I was supposed to have the "best thing that has ever happened to me!" Does that mean you all should stop posting that stuff? Of course not. You know I will post it all when I am able to with my future children. I needed to remove myself from it. And I did. I stopped getting on Facebook and miraculously my break downs became less and less frequent. I think about the day that I post pictures of my future precious children and it kills me to imagine women on the other side of the screen hurt from a loss or inability to conceive. I hope they remove themselves for awhile and give themselves time to heal. Obviously Facebook isn't the only place I see babies and pregnant mommas. You are all over! Well at least in the eyes of someone that has lost or is trying, it seems that way. It doesn't bother me to see it, it actually makes me smile. It hurts to talk about it, and that is something that is getting easier and easier. I loved talking about pregnancy and babies before. It is just going to take me some time to get back to that without getting emotional. It's not because I don't care about your child, it's because it makes me think about what I lost with mine. I apologize if I haven't told you congratulations or if I haven't asked you how your pregnancy is going. I'm sorry if I missed your baby shower or haven't commented on one of your pictures about how adorable your baby is. Those are the things I'm slowly being able to do comfortably. I had to miss a few baby showers because I knew I would be thinking about Calvin and become emotional. I knew people would be thinking about me and wondering if I was ok. Your baby shower is about YOU, not me. I am so blessed that the Lord allowed me to get pregnant and experience that joy that so many women aren't able to do and I thank Him for that gift every day. I pray for healthy babies and safe deliveries for you all. I pray for those of you who are trying to conceive and those of you who have been told you aren't able to. I pray that you have peace and put your trust in His plan for you.
With much love,
Jordan
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5
*This verse just amazes me. He has a plan for everyone if you just listen and follow Him.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
Psalm 139:13
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. And her worshipped the Lord there."
1 Samuel 1:27-28
*I was in absolute disbelief when I came across this verse. Annie (my sister in law) had posted this verse the day Jude was born. When I actually went back and read it awhile ago I realized how much of a truth this is for my life. We prayed for Calvin every day. We prayed for a healthy perfect baby. The Lord gave us a healthy perfect baby but had a bigger purpose for him in heaven. He is already doing great work here on earth. His whole life will be with the Lord and I am so thankful for that. In my prayers I thank God that I know where Calvin is, that he is being taken care of by the Lord Himself, and that I will be reunited with him again. If you have ever lost a baby or had a miscarriage I hope you know that you will see that baby again in heaven. The book "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford is a book about healing and hope for the parent who has lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or early infant death. It was helpful to read about where in the bible it gives you this confirmation.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Gifts
When Calvin had passed away I had an amazing support group. Amazing is an understatement. I had a community of people, friends, family, coworkers, and strangers reach out to my family and I during our time of pure devastation. I've mentioned this before but we received hundreds of cards, meals, gifts, books, flowers, prayers, and thoughtful words from people all over the world. Yes, people in numerous different states were praying for us as well as another country. I had multiple people tell me their entire church was praying for us. You have no idea how much James and I felt those prayers in those moments. I mean literally FELT them. I remember just being numb for days. It was hard to even cry because we were just numb. I think that was a survival feeling that God allowed us to have so that we could get through the worst of it. Calvin was born on a Wednesday and we were able to come home later that Friday. I think it was that Saturday James and I were sitting at the dinner table trying to eat one of the many meals prepared for us and discussing memorial service plans for Calvin. Not a discussion you ever want to have or ever dream of having. We felt something in that moment that I will never forget. It was pure peace. I fully believe that peace came from the hundreds of people praying for us right at that minute. Not the peace like everything is okay peace, more like my heart was able to just be still for a few minutes peace. This is one instance I remember very clear but there were many like that in the weeks to come. We had our memorial service for Calvin that Sunday with immediate family and I had many texts from people telling me they were praying for us that day. We felt it. That whole day I could feel their prayers surrounding me, protecting me. I was numbed and I thank God that he allowed us to feel the numbness on that day.
Psalm 107:28-30 "Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven"
So let me get back to the reason for this post. When someone is going through a loss and that can be a loss of anyone, not just a child, you want to do anything you can for that person. I don't have to tell you that what would make that person truly feel better isn't possible, that's a given. I can confirm though that all of those other things do help. No one feels like cooking or eating for that matter so having meals prepared was a huge blessing. Obviously prayers is a main one, and I mean actually taking the time to stop and pray for that person instead of saying you will. Trust me, I was once there and would forget to pray for people I said I would pray for. After going through what I have, I haven't forgotten. Flowers were nice because I enjoy fresh flowers though I know some don't care to see them die. I want to share what two of my favorite gifts were.
Books. I got many many books from different people all in the category of grieving, infant loss, journaling about loss, faith in God through difficult times, etc. Some people may not enjoy reading but when it was the right time, I did. I want to share two books that I read that were actually my reason for starting this blog. To be honest I felt embarrassed about some of the feelings and thoughts I've had in the last 7 months until I read these books. They are both written by women who have lost a baby and ironically are both married to men who sing and worship in a Christian band. These women expressed some of the same thoughts and feelings that I've had and made me feel like I wasn't alone in them and that it was okay to have those. It also erased the "What did I do wrong to have this punishment?" thought. Here were two couples who gave their life to God every day worshipping and bringing people closer to Him, and they suffered this horrific loss. It doesn't matter who you are. So I thought, if these two books helped me through my difficult times so much then I hope my blog can help others like me. If a loss of a baby ever happens to someone you know, which I pray to God it doesn't (but is more common then you think) I highly recommend these books.
Mending Tomorrow by Alyssa Quilala http://alyssaquilala.com
I Will Carry You by Angie Smith https://www.amazon.com/Will-Carry-You-Sacred-Dance/dp/080546428X
Memorabilia. I absolutely love and appreciate ANYTHING with Calvin's name on it. I'm not going to speak for everyone going through a loss but I bet I could speak for most when I say you want to hear and see their name as much as possible. Having objects with Calvin's name help me to know he is alive in people's hearts and minds. Jewelry is a big one for me because it's something I can wear everyday and is as close to me as possible. I have numerous necklaces and bracelets with his name or initials on them and I love it all. I don't leave the house without wearing at least one of them. It just makes me feel a little better, it reminds me that he is with me. You can't have too many, I love all of the different styles people got for me. We were also gifted a key chain, wind chimes, pictures, and others that all have his name engraved on them. I even had a few people donate a children's book to a library or children's bibles to those in need all in memory of Calvin. We also have things like a landscape stone and garden bench that have quotes about our precious son in Heaven. I appreciate it all, and know that any one of these gifts would help someone in my situation to know their loved one is close.
I am also very grateful for the many donations I received for the Calvin's Love fund. This fund purchased a Buddy Bench in Calvin's name among other things, and is starting our mission "Bibles For Babies." Monetary gifts towards causes that help keep a child's name alive or is something important to them is also a great way to help a grieving parent. I'll never be able to repay everyone for all they did for my family and I. I hope this post was helpful in ways to do something for a grieving parent.
Love to you all,
Jordan
Here are pictures of some of the Jewerly that I was gifted.
Here are pictures of some of the Jewerly that I was gifted.
The necklace I'm wearing here said "Calvin James" I wore it to my brother's wedding and my best friend's wedding to have Calvin there with us.
The ring my mom got me for Mother's Day- Calvin's birthstone
Jude
I often, more often than not, get asked the question "Is it hard being around Jude?" Or something along those lines. Let me give you some details before I answer.
Jude is my nephew, my older brother's (Jonathan) son. Jude was due 10 days before Calvin. As you can imagine we were all ecstatic. My sister-in-law, Annie, and my brother told us all they were expecting a few days before my husband and I decided to share our news. You can imagine the scene when we told the family we were expecting and they were due 10 days apart. They were originally due 4 days apart but my due date got changed. The next 6 months were filled with talking about how they were going to be "twin cousins" and my parents would have "twin grandsons." They were going to be best friends and grow up together having each other's backs in school. We bought them matching clothes, planned a family photoshoot for when they would be 6 months, and my mom even bought a double stroller. We had envisioned so many events that both boys would be at together; weddings, joined birthday parties, and holidays.
Jude was born premature, 3.5 weeks early on January 20th, 2016, one day before my mom's birthday. What a gift! He was only 4 lbs. 15 oz. but as healthy as can be. We would later find that this was such a blessing in disguise. I was able to know Jude for 3.5 weeks as my nephew, build a relationship with him, fall in love with him, and give him attention he deserved from an aunt before being devastated with the loss of my own son. Had he been born closer to Calvin, I may have not been able to build that love as much.
So to answer everyones question. YES, it is hard. Every time I look at Jude, which is never less than once a week, I think of Calvin. It is such a weird feeling to be holding someone you love so much but be saddened by the thought of what you should have as your own. Every time he smiles (which is all the time) I wonder what Calvin's smile would be like. I adore when Jude laughs but long to hear Calvin laugh. Every time Jude completes a milestone, I think "That's what Calvin would be doing right now." I can't even talk about James with Jude without getting emotional. Every time he interacts with Jude I think I forget to take a breath. He is such an amazing uncle to both his niece and nephew that I know he is going to make an amazing dad. He feeds Jude, plays guitar for him, flies him around, and it makes my heart melt every time. The moments that we all pictured our sons having together is the most difficult. Having to cancel your family photoshoot because a main member of your family is no longer there. Walking out of a family wedding because you couldn't control yourself picturing Jude and Calvin being there together. Seeing Jude in the double stroller without anyone beside him because it was the only stroller my mom had and she thought I had left. Heart wrenching. I'm not telling you this to feel bad for me. I know many of you already do. I'm writing this because I know there are others out there that have similar experiences and I want them to know they aren't alone. It's ok to just cry when these moments come up after a loss. If there is one thing I would have done differently in the first few months it would have been to just cry it out. I think I held too much in and acted like I was fine instead of just letting the emotions out. Of course I cried a lot but I always waited till I was home, by myself.
But I absolutely love my little Jude man more than anything. He is such a blessing to our family. He brings me so much joy and will always hold a very special place in my heart. It doesn't cover up the pain of not having Calvin here but he helps me find the joy in life. He made my mom a grandma, and me an aunt. I would never wish anything differently, he came at the perfect time and I know Calvin will still be watching over him his whole life. I will make sure Jude knows about his "twin cousin" in Heaven.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above"
James 1:17
What a joyful time all of these moments were. It's hard to think back though, does what happen make them no longer joyful? I think it just made losing Calvin more difficult. An indescribable feeling, really.
Jude is my nephew, my older brother's (Jonathan) son. Jude was due 10 days before Calvin. As you can imagine we were all ecstatic. My sister-in-law, Annie, and my brother told us all they were expecting a few days before my husband and I decided to share our news. You can imagine the scene when we told the family we were expecting and they were due 10 days apart. They were originally due 4 days apart but my due date got changed. The next 6 months were filled with talking about how they were going to be "twin cousins" and my parents would have "twin grandsons." They were going to be best friends and grow up together having each other's backs in school. We bought them matching clothes, planned a family photoshoot for when they would be 6 months, and my mom even bought a double stroller. We had envisioned so many events that both boys would be at together; weddings, joined birthday parties, and holidays.
Jude was born premature, 3.5 weeks early on January 20th, 2016, one day before my mom's birthday. What a gift! He was only 4 lbs. 15 oz. but as healthy as can be. We would later find that this was such a blessing in disguise. I was able to know Jude for 3.5 weeks as my nephew, build a relationship with him, fall in love with him, and give him attention he deserved from an aunt before being devastated with the loss of my own son. Had he been born closer to Calvin, I may have not been able to build that love as much.
So to answer everyones question. YES, it is hard. Every time I look at Jude, which is never less than once a week, I think of Calvin. It is such a weird feeling to be holding someone you love so much but be saddened by the thought of what you should have as your own. Every time he smiles (which is all the time) I wonder what Calvin's smile would be like. I adore when Jude laughs but long to hear Calvin laugh. Every time Jude completes a milestone, I think "That's what Calvin would be doing right now." I can't even talk about James with Jude without getting emotional. Every time he interacts with Jude I think I forget to take a breath. He is such an amazing uncle to both his niece and nephew that I know he is going to make an amazing dad. He feeds Jude, plays guitar for him, flies him around, and it makes my heart melt every time. The moments that we all pictured our sons having together is the most difficult. Having to cancel your family photoshoot because a main member of your family is no longer there. Walking out of a family wedding because you couldn't control yourself picturing Jude and Calvin being there together. Seeing Jude in the double stroller without anyone beside him because it was the only stroller my mom had and she thought I had left. Heart wrenching. I'm not telling you this to feel bad for me. I know many of you already do. I'm writing this because I know there are others out there that have similar experiences and I want them to know they aren't alone. It's ok to just cry when these moments come up after a loss. If there is one thing I would have done differently in the first few months it would have been to just cry it out. I think I held too much in and acted like I was fine instead of just letting the emotions out. Of course I cried a lot but I always waited till I was home, by myself.
But I absolutely love my little Jude man more than anything. He is such a blessing to our family. He brings me so much joy and will always hold a very special place in my heart. It doesn't cover up the pain of not having Calvin here but he helps me find the joy in life. He made my mom a grandma, and me an aunt. I would never wish anything differently, he came at the perfect time and I know Calvin will still be watching over him his whole life. I will make sure Jude knows about his "twin cousin" in Heaven.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above"
James 1:17
Finding out Calvin is a boy!
Halloween party.
Christmas morning- excuse the no make-up.
Jude's here! 1-20-2016
What a joyful time all of these moments were. It's hard to think back though, does what happen make them no longer joyful? I think it just made losing Calvin more difficult. An indescribable feeling, really.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Say and Pray Bible
After looking up different children's bibles on the internet and at bookstores, we decided on "Say & Pray Bible First Words, Stories, and Prayers," by Diane Stortz. This bible is perfect for many reasons. It is going to be gifted to newborns and is age appropriate for babies, toddlers, and young children. It's colorful, the pictures are appealing, and most of all children will be exposed to God's word. The teacher in me loved this board book because it labels everything! It is such a teaching moment for children and their caregiver. It is very basic with each page stating a short story, giving a verse from the bible, and ending with a short prayer that the child can say. I absolutely love how interactive it is and how it teaches children to talk to God. I think people often don't know how to talk to God and it can be as simple as these prayers. I love that there is a verse on every page, it may just encourage the caregiver to look it up in a bible. Or it may be the only scripture they've ever read in their life! We will also be getting stickers made to put on the back of each book where parents can fill out their newborns information as a keepsake. I can't wait to begin this mission!
Here is a link to the book details:
http://www.thomasnelson.com/say-and-pray-bible
Here is a link to the book details:
http://www.thomasnelson.com/say-and-pray-bible
Monday, October 3, 2016
My Story
For most parents the day their child is born is the best day of their lives. For my husband and I, it was the worst day of ours.
I had the easiest, most enjoyable pregnancy that I think you can have. Those 9 months hold some of the best moments of my life and I will never forget them. Calvin's due date was February 22nd. I went into the hospital on February 24th, 2016 in normal labor, calm and not nervous. Calvin didn't like my contractions and they thought he might not do well in labor so we decided on just doing a C-section instead of it becoming an emergency. Calvin had a heart beat all the way up until he was born. When they cut the cord he never took a breath. Calvin James was born at 4:56am weighing 10 lbs. 1 oz. and 21.5 inches long. I'm skipping a lot of details about what went on leading up to the C-section, during, and after for my own sake. I am just not ready to relive it all in front of everyone. We did get to hold Calvin. I would say that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in all my life. He was the most perfect thing we've ever laid our eyes on. Physically, there was not a thing wrong. Someday I will have the courage to post pictures of him. He is such a beautiful baby but I feel like I am protecting him by not showing his picture. But I also know that if he were here I would be showing him off and that's exactly what I want to do. We had to wait 8 long weeks for the autopsy results. I really had no idea what the answer was going to be. I thought it had something to do with his weight but would later find that his weight had nothing to do with it. We've repeatedly gotten the response "some people just have big babies." We were also preparing ourselves for if it stated that the cause of death was unknown. The thing we were most scared of was that it would be something genetic and that we wouldn't be able to have any more children in the future. We would pray to God every night for these results. We didn't even know what to pray for...did we want there to be a reason? Did we want it to be unknown? What is the lesser of the two evils? It was determined that the cause of death was Meconium Aspiration. He had meconium in all 4 lobes of his lungs and they weren't able to get it all out. We got our answer, but of course it comes with 100 more questions. Meconium is a pretty common thing in pregnancy and rarely results in complications. So of course you ask "Why?" I'll never know why. We were thankful it wasn't anything genetic. We have been told we will be able to have healthy children in the future. Praise the Lord. What I do know is that Calvin is in the arms of Jesus. That he has it better than any one of us here. That I will be with him for eternity when it's time. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely devastated that my son isn't here with me today. I have to get up each day knowing he should be here and chose to keep moving forward with God by my side. It has not been an easy road and I don't know that it will ever be. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child says the feeling never goes away completely. I can't imagine that it does. But I do know I want to keep him a part of my life as much as I can and make him proud to be my son until I get to see him again.
Anyone who is willing to pray, we would love the prayers. Prayers for our continued peace and healing. Prayers for our future children.
much love,
Jordan
This website describes what meconium aspiration is:
https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm
I had the easiest, most enjoyable pregnancy that I think you can have. Those 9 months hold some of the best moments of my life and I will never forget them. Calvin's due date was February 22nd. I went into the hospital on February 24th, 2016 in normal labor, calm and not nervous. Calvin didn't like my contractions and they thought he might not do well in labor so we decided on just doing a C-section instead of it becoming an emergency. Calvin had a heart beat all the way up until he was born. When they cut the cord he never took a breath. Calvin James was born at 4:56am weighing 10 lbs. 1 oz. and 21.5 inches long. I'm skipping a lot of details about what went on leading up to the C-section, during, and after for my own sake. I am just not ready to relive it all in front of everyone. We did get to hold Calvin. I would say that was the most difficult thing I've ever done in all my life. He was the most perfect thing we've ever laid our eyes on. Physically, there was not a thing wrong. Someday I will have the courage to post pictures of him. He is such a beautiful baby but I feel like I am protecting him by not showing his picture. But I also know that if he were here I would be showing him off and that's exactly what I want to do. We had to wait 8 long weeks for the autopsy results. I really had no idea what the answer was going to be. I thought it had something to do with his weight but would later find that his weight had nothing to do with it. We've repeatedly gotten the response "some people just have big babies." We were also preparing ourselves for if it stated that the cause of death was unknown. The thing we were most scared of was that it would be something genetic and that we wouldn't be able to have any more children in the future. We would pray to God every night for these results. We didn't even know what to pray for...did we want there to be a reason? Did we want it to be unknown? What is the lesser of the two evils? It was determined that the cause of death was Meconium Aspiration. He had meconium in all 4 lobes of his lungs and they weren't able to get it all out. We got our answer, but of course it comes with 100 more questions. Meconium is a pretty common thing in pregnancy and rarely results in complications. So of course you ask "Why?" I'll never know why. We were thankful it wasn't anything genetic. We have been told we will be able to have healthy children in the future. Praise the Lord. What I do know is that Calvin is in the arms of Jesus. That he has it better than any one of us here. That I will be with him for eternity when it's time. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely devastated that my son isn't here with me today. I have to get up each day knowing he should be here and chose to keep moving forward with God by my side. It has not been an easy road and I don't know that it will ever be. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child says the feeling never goes away completely. I can't imagine that it does. But I do know I want to keep him a part of my life as much as I can and make him proud to be my son until I get to see him again.
Anyone who is willing to pray, we would love the prayers. Prayers for our continued peace and healing. Prayers for our future children.
much love,
Jordan
This website describes what meconium aspiration is:
https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001596.htm
Calvin's Love?
Calvin's Love is a fund we decided to start when so many people reached out to us and wanted to do something. There will never be enough words to thank the community and people around the world that helped us through our horrific time. We were sent food, flowers, gifts, books, money, cards, and many prayers. It was really an overwhelming outpour of love. It makes me nauseous to even think back to those days. I decided to start "Calvin's Love Fund" to give back to others. This fund was initially intended for the benefit of my school's staff and students. My school was such an amazing support system, they had set up a meals on wheels for us and we had many visitors. With the fund, I was able to contribute money towards gifts for co-workers celebrating a baby or who were in need in another way. The main thing I used the money on was "Calvin's Buddy Bench" for my Elementary school (I'll talk more about the buddy bench in another post). Once I use all of the money on my school, we will be changing Calvin's Love to more of a broad Foundation to benefit children in our community. Our first mission being "Bibles For Babies" but the possibilities are endless! My mom likes to call Calvin her "tiny mighty missionary," and that is exactly who he is.
Love,
Jordan
Love,
Jordan
Bibles For Babies
Since Calvin, we have tried turning the situation into a positive and thinking about how we can glorify God through it all. It has not been easy. Will I ever understand why Calvin isn't here with me? No. I can ask that question all day long, and try to figure it out while being emotionally exhausted and unfulfilled, or I can decide to wake up everyday and focus my time and energy on the blessings I do have and how I can honor God.
The day after Calvin was born my mom had this vision of "Bibles For Babies" but never told me about it till a little later, for obvious reasons. She thought there had to be a reason for this, that Calvin's purpose was much bigger. I know everyone hates the expression "Everything happens for a reason." Trust me, I do too. But I believe that when situations occur, you can use them to glorify God and bring people closer to Him. I also know that's hard to understand. I'm not always this positive...it's like a roller coaster. I have good days and bad days, but I always know the truth.
So, this is our vision for Bibles For Babies. We would like every newborn to receive a free children's bible. Of course, EVERY newborn will probably not happen. We want to start local and spread as we can, giving them to hospitals, health clubs, etc. to give to each baby born. After experiencing what we have, we feel that each child is such a miracle. The importance of each child knowing that Jesus loves them is so imperative in this world. Having the word of Jesus in every home, starting at such a young age, would be life changing. I could go on and on about this but will save the details for later! I will be posting the bible that we have already chose, fundraising events, and how you can donate or help us with this mission.
Love,
Jordan
The day after Calvin was born my mom had this vision of "Bibles For Babies" but never told me about it till a little later, for obvious reasons. She thought there had to be a reason for this, that Calvin's purpose was much bigger. I know everyone hates the expression "Everything happens for a reason." Trust me, I do too. But I believe that when situations occur, you can use them to glorify God and bring people closer to Him. I also know that's hard to understand. I'm not always this positive...it's like a roller coaster. I have good days and bad days, but I always know the truth.
So, this is our vision for Bibles For Babies. We would like every newborn to receive a free children's bible. Of course, EVERY newborn will probably not happen. We want to start local and spread as we can, giving them to hospitals, health clubs, etc. to give to each baby born. After experiencing what we have, we feel that each child is such a miracle. The importance of each child knowing that Jesus loves them is so imperative in this world. Having the word of Jesus in every home, starting at such a young age, would be life changing. I could go on and on about this but will save the details for later! I will be posting the bible that we have already chose, fundraising events, and how you can donate or help us with this mission.
Love,
Jordan
Welcome!
After 7 long months I have made the decision to start a blog. In these last 7 months after Calvin, I have had so many thoughts and feelings I wasn't sure how I wanted to express. I talk to friends, family, and mainly my husband on a daily basis as my form of therapy. I had always thought about writing in a journal or typing in a private blog for myself but then I thought "How is that going to help anyone else?" So this blog is a lot for my healing, but i'm hoping to inspire, uplift, and give hope to others who decide to read or have experienced a loss. Facebook has really been my only means of communication to my amazing, never ending, support group. I would like to post more about Calvin, how life is going, and what God is doing in our lives for those who care to listen. I have never enjoyed writing, it's not a strength of mine, and i'm not a grammar freak...So give me a break :)
Also, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, so when better to start then now!?
Calvin was born for a purpose far too big for here on earth. I can't wait to share with you all about what God is doing and what is yet to come!
Love,
Jordan
Also, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, so when better to start then now!?
Calvin was born for a purpose far too big for here on earth. I can't wait to share with you all about what God is doing and what is yet to come!
Love,
Jordan
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